New Year's Resolutions

For the past several years, I've stopped making New Year's Resolutions and started making New Semester's Resolutions - I guess in this case I can call them New Term's Resolutions.

In the past the majority of my resolution list would be to start doing better in all of my classes in school, t improve my grade from the first semester. I think a lot of it too dealt with softball and watching less TV and staying organized. Well, I don't think much is changing except for my perspective on the whole thing.

My first college semester was a wake-up call. After I was finished, I had a GPA because I was done with classes. It was really weird. And slightly disappointing. Haha. So now that I know how to function in college, I resolve to get straight A's next semester - we'll see what happens.

I've also resolved to do some other things as well:
1. Love people
2. Read the Word every day and spend quality time with God instead of just mindlessly skimming the pages
3. Be diligent when things get a little bit harder - don't give up or switch gears, but KOKO (Keep on keepin' on)
4. Bring a friend to Christ
5. Live a life God can be proud of
6. Eat breakfast every day
7. Leave a legacy - make my life count, and do it all for the glory of God 
8. Put school work before fun things (this will be hard)
9. FINISH my homework before midnight (also hard)
10. Learn a new skill

I think 10 is a good place to stop for now - though it's 11 if you count the getting straight A's thing.

Well anyway, I am resolving to do these things for the second semester of my freshman year in college, and I pray that I will be able to be set on them and actually be able to say in May that I accomplished these things. I think I purposefully put things on here that are ongoing which means for me that I can't just do it once and then slack off, but it will be a deliberate way of life, which means NO BEING LAZY! I just really hoped that I stay pumped up for doing something with my life, or at the very least make all these good things habits so I do them even without thinking - I guess that's my ultimate goal: to modify the way I live intentionally so that when my actions become unintentional out of good habit I will still be able to stand by my decisions because of the resolutions I made at the beginning.

Phew, well I suppose that's all for now and I may come in and modify the list if I have to (hopefully I won't have to). The song I'm going to leave you with is Where I Belong by Building 429 (I realize I've already shared this song, but I really like it so here it is again!).

Lost Time

I've lost so much time this week.

I've slept for literally half of it.

Not cool.

But what I think that's more important that I'm losing is my focus: focus on God, focus on other people, focus on my duty, focus on anything but the television and music notes on a page. Also, not cool.

I guess this is just my way of ranting out about how I'm slowly wandering away from God, and how I desperately desire to get back as soon as possible. I picked up my Bible and read a passage for the first time in a week last night. It felt really good. I'm just being lazy and letting myself slip up in really minor but unnecessary ways. I need to spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation, as well as reading old familiar passages in the Bible which remind me of why my faith in God is so strong, and bring me back to Him so we can further our relationship.

On that note, I feel as though Christmas sometimes does exactly the opposite of what it's supposed to: it takes our focus OFF of Christ and His birth. I mean yeah, everyone knows it's commercialized, and blah blah blah, and then you've got every Christian in the world tweeting and updating their statuses about how Jesus is the real reason for the season, and while this is very true, it's very rarely what any of us focuses on truly. I can't think of one person I know who isn't receiving gifts this year. Sure, they've given their time to non-profit organizations, their money to charities, their old toys and coats to ministries that will give them to the needy, but when's the last time America spent Christmas day in prayer with the Creator who sent His Son to earth for us? That's what this day is for, after all. Gifts are great; so are charities; but God is greater.

I say this in hypocrisy because I will be getting presents this year, like every year. This just goes to show that I've got a long way to go until I can truly announce to everyone that I have put every ounce of myself into God so that all I want to do is give until I have nothing left but Him; until I trust Him with everything and I'm not greedy or selfish - the traits that we most often see at during this time of year.

My apologies for the grim post, it's just what's on my mind at the moment, as I lay in bed with my computer on my stomach listening to Starfield and just typing away.

Let's just make it a Silent Night.

A very Merry Christmas to you all!

This Is Weird

I got on my myspace page today, just for fun, and I read my old "About Me" section. I thought it was interesting, and not much has changed in 3 years (a little, but not much). Here's what it said:

I'm Katie. I'm naturally inquisitive. Every day I live for Jesus Christ, and no one else. I can't be bought, or sold, or bribed with food, although that last one will get you pretty close (: I adore music more than anything else on this earth. I actually believe that it helps make the world go round. I sing a lot, all the time. I find it rather enjoyable and quite relaxing. I really like softball a lot, but I wouldn't say I love it. You have to give me a while to explain things. I love the rain, when I haven't done my hair, and dancing around in it and splashing in mud puddles. I really want to live in New York City, minus the cold. Broadway is nice (: I love everything about the big city, but at the same time, I like small towns and the at home feeling you get when you're there. Whichever way God's plan takes me, I'll be there. I live to make people laugh, or smile, or shake their heads in disbelief making comments like, "did she really just say that?" I also live for the little things. You will constantly see me start randomly laughing, or saying something really random, and completely irrelevant, and then cracking up at myself. I seem to do that often. I try really hard to live life to its fullest, and I regret absolutely nothing. I have a problem with trying to correct people. But, I usually have the best of intentions. I'm probably the most insane person anyone will ever meet, and very hyper once I've warmed up to you. I'll make you laugh and ask, "what does that mean?" Happens all the time. (: My best friends are no better than anyone else's, but they're more special to me. I'd be lost forever in the depths of myself without them! I can't stress that enough. I love them more than sprinkles. (: And let me tell you, I've really got a thing for sprinkles. (: I like making new friends quite a bit, and I love talking to new people, or just talking in general to anyone who will listen (which usually ends up being myself and God (: ) Mostly, I am a sinner, I will strive to be perfect, but I'll never compare, and I am proud to be a child of God.

It's about time...

...that I did something my mother does not approve of, that I signed for all by myself as a legal adult just because I could and I wanted to.

I got my tragus pierced and it didn't even hurt that bad! 

I kind of did it on a whim, but I had given it a little bit of thought beforehand, so it's not like I was super irrational about it, but I really like it and it's something I never thought I'd do, and I did it! Yay for me. (: 

The next step is tracking how long it takes for my mom to find out. Hehehe ;)

Break It Out by The Rocket Summer is a good song. 

Dean's List

Since my very first college grades were posted, I've been hearing a lot from my friends who have also received their first GPA's. So many have done very well, and it makes me wonder, "How on earth was it so easy for THEM to make a 4.0 while I have less than a 3?"

That's when I have to get perspective: who am I to compare myself to anyone? God knows what He's doing, and I plan on using my terrible GPA to glorify Him.

Yeah, it hurts sometimes when I hear people bragging about how good their grades are (then again that was me once), but I have to keep in mind that I'm doing my best, and that this period of my life was a huge adjustment and that I WILL get back on track and make the Dean's List one of these days.

So, my first semester of college is officially over, and I'm embarking on a one-month long break! One which I have not woken up before noon but once to go to church. It's quite wonderful. This is the first time I've been home that I don't have to worry about doing any work for school! Besides, of course, playing the piano, but that's a fun homework assignment. (:

My song for the week is Treasures by The Rocket Summer

Though Hope Is Frail, It's Hard To Kill

I just heard this in a song. In a movie. Just now. And I liked it. So I didn't want to lose it.

This has been a really long week for many a college student, and certainly for many a college student at Virginia Tech. Suffice it to say we experienced tragedy on top of pain and stress and exhaustion, and no one was ready for it; at all.

I still feel safe. Frankly, I never once felt as though I was in danger or feared for my life. It wasn't until long afterwards that I began to think to myself: I could have died today.

But God didn't want me to die that day.

This whole situation sucks: a lot of situations do. I took my very first REAL college final this morning, at SEVEN FREAKING FORTY-FIVE, and then I was done with the class. It was weird. Then I had to face the reality that I have several left. I've been on the verge of losing hope the last several days. I have close to zero confidence in my academic abilities, and never really have. Except in Calculus, which is stretching me thin this semester! I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm tired. I'm ready to go home. And all the while I still rest in the hope that I will always have, even when I'm feeling all these silly feelings.

"My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long."

I have a really good friend whom I play piano with, and I brought her with me to the BCM Christmas Banquet tonight. She had fun. I'm glad. I'm always saying to some of my friends that I'm going to make people my "projects". I'm starting to think that may not be the best way to phrase it after all.

There is nothing I desire more, apart from being in God's awesome and holy presence, than to bring friends closer to Him and further His kingdom. I've been shot down many a time (not necessarily by this friend, but in general) and sometimes it's discouraging. But something I was told at the very beginning of the semester was that "Discouragement is just a temporary loss of perspective." And boy let me tell you that couldn't be more true.

Looking at the big picture, the same Picture that will never change, is that I have an Almighty Hope in Jesus Christ and God's redeeming powers. I mean, every Christian desires to lead a friend to Christ and share the Gospel with someone to have them come to believe it and know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. But if I've decided in my heart that I'm never going to be content until that happens, then I've lost a perspective - I may even end up losing hope.

We all have to understand that no matter what we say, and no matter who we say it to, we are planting a seed in their lives for better or for worse. My goal is to speak words of wisdom to all my friends who already know Christ and those who have yet to form a relationship with Him. This can only happen when I pray to please God and for Him to give me the strength and boldness I need to fulfill this.

It's all about God and giving Him glory for everything, since He did make everything after all, and this is exactly what I intend to do.

My worth is not defined by how many heathens I convert (haha that was a funny sentence), but it is always defined by how much God loves me and that He made me fearfully and wonderfully in His image. When I have faith in God, and focus on Him as my hope for now and for the future, He will bless me in my works, even if I don't always get the "yes" I want to all of my questions.

Amen.

This I Believe: To Have A Servant's Heart

This is something I was required to write for a beyond pointless class I'm taking, but I mean every word of it.

I believe that I am called to be a servant.

When I was a kid, I was given a list of pretty generic rules to follow: be nice to your brother, share your toys, clean up your mess, don’t take other people’s stuff, take turns, be patient, use your manners; the list goes on and on. Now let’s be honest, what kid between the ages of 2 and 12 is even remotely good at any of these things?

Exactly.

And I was no exception.

Not that I was ever a terror, but not even my best friend was EVER allowed to touch my Gameboy.

The first time I heard the Gospel after fully committing my heart to Jesus Christ (I had been in church my whole life, but getting a new perspective changed things), I realized that I was called to humble myself to God, to my future spouse, to everyone around me. I must admit I wasn’t fond of the idea. But that first time that I sat on the ground and washed the feet of inner-city kids, who came with their families to the food bank for school supplies, my heart was overcome with a joy that only comes from having the God-sized hole in my heart filled. It was gross. And I couldn’t have been happier.

It was as if the Holy Spirit filled me all the way up to the top and then some, as a way of telling me that serving is something I would always have to do to make my relationship with God mean something.

I know that most people feel that their lives are way too important to have to give in to what others want before they satisfy themselves, so serving is on the very bottom—if even at all—on their to-do lists. And believe me: I know what that’s like. But I believe that doing this—putting everyone else in the world before ourselves, to love and serve and care for them, because God, our Creator, calls us to do so—is the most fulfilling way of life.

If I am truly going to live a life that means something to me, and to the world, and to my heavenly Father, then I must serve with everything I have, and give until there is nothing left.

I believe we are to serve one another in everything we do, but ultimately we are to serve God with our thoughts, our words, our actions, and our lives. When we give of ourselves, we gain much more than we could’ve ever imagined.

Following Your Heart

This, in my ever-so-humble opinion, is the wrong way to live your life. I mean sure, there are times when you should "go with your gut" or "trust your instincts" but you're really not supposed to follow your heart.

Why? Because God tells us that "...from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly." (Mark 7:21-22)

I don't know, I guess I was just kind of thinking about it because a friend posed the question of our hearts following our heads or our heads following our hearts. I'm still not sure I quite know the answer to that one, but I do know what God says about our hearts being deceitful.

The way I see it (which, mind you, is subject to being indisputably wrong) our hearts are full of evil and all these things mentioned in Mark, and that's why God wants us to let Him in there--to fix all the corruptness that happens in our hearts as a result of a number of things: temptation, sin, the usual.

So that means, I think, that we have to use our heads to decide whether or not we want to accept Jesus into our hearts as our Lord and Savior, pray to Him to soften our hearts so we can let Him in, but the decision is all brain power; it's a choice that takes some extent of logic (granted, faith is not based on logic, but the knowledge and the belief that God created everything and therefore can save us and give us a better, eternal life in heaven. But that's a different issue).

I guess this is just my way of figuring out for myself (and maybe my friend) how the heart and head coincide when it comes to accepting what Christ has to offer us, and how one can overpower the other, and how we are to conduct each one.

Any who, the song for today is Battle by Chris August (and I like it MUCHO).

"I'm a Liberal Arts Major..."

"...do you want fries with that?"

So much truth in these words... but seriously, what am I doing with my life?

Hahahahaha!

"Where I Belong" by Building 429

Today I Became a Football Fan

Disclaimer: I decided it was really important for me to watch the Tech vs. UVa game today when I woke up before it started, and I wasn't disappointed when I did!

The Hokies played an awesome game and I was thoroughly impressed with them!

Okay I'm done bragging about the Hokies. I just wanted the world to be informed of my allegiance to Virginia Tech. :D

Answer to the question approximately %50 of people are asking:

because I'm young


because I can 


because when I get old and can no longer function on minimal amounts of sleep I won't have the capacity to wake up early when it's still dark outside and go hardcore shopping while running on 3.5 hours of sleep and a (few) cup(s) of coffee--just live a little! 


And now I ask you: 

W H Y   N O T ?

"Yay Black Friday shopping!"

11:00 = hour 5 and a half

"Something to remember me by." -Jasmine

And I promise we don't always look this rough on a daily basis...
Today was a lot of fun. (:

i am

thankful for the greatest of friends who keep me going

thankful for God and the Living Word

thankful for an education

thankful for having an option for what to wear everyday

thankful for the internet

thankful for food, good and bad

thankful for good teachers

thankful for music as a means for worship and pleasure

thankful for life, in the best of times and worst of times

thankful for colors

thankful to be alive

humbled by God's grace and provision for me

going to enjoy all the wonderful holiday food in our kitchen

Matt Maher-- Turn Around

Words

I was thinking about how I wanted to write about what I read tonight, and come up with something deeply profound to enhance the beautiful words of a friend of mine. However, I realize that nothing I say will matter or come close to being able to surpass her pure simple words of truth.
I hope that she won't mind that I've quoted her, because I agree with everything her message said, and I want everyone to hear it:

"1.) People are imperfect: Romans 3:23 - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. This is a truth in the Bible. It should never surprise anyone when we fail. When I mess up, it should not surprise you. We are not good by nature, but through the Holy Spirit we are given the power to overcome sin. This is more true than I ever really realized. I am so imperfect it hurts me sometimes, and I have been realizing more about myself and about my struggles that helps me understand my sins.
2.) We are called to love. Let them know God’s love by the way we love our neighbor. There is something so beautiful and true and real about loving someone in the name of Jesus. People can see the difference between love rooted in Christ versus love not rooted in Christ.
3.) God is at work in everyone’s life around you. I realized the gravity and realness of this statement. I realized how perfect everything is, and how God places you in certain places for a reason. I think I have also realized that God has given me a sort of gift to bring Him up in conversation without too much hesitation or awkwardness… and that is why I am probably not going to be traveling in third world countries. God has gifted me in communication.
4.) Friendship is beautiful - Friends are intricate and God has put people in my life for a reason. Right now I have some amazing girlfriendships that I will never take for granted. They are deep. They are beautiful. They are real. They’re each different and each reveal something different about myself to me. They show me a little bit of who I am in a deeper way and bring out the good and the bad and show me how to defeat the bad and enhance the good. They teach me about how I relate to Christ.
5.) Spiritual warfare is so real - There are two parts of you that are constantly warring. There is the natural self, and there is the spiritual self. We are made new, so we are the spiritual self, but there is a battle between the natural self trying to get back out sometimes. When we feed the natural self, it wins the small battles, but when we feed the spiritual self we can stand up under anything that comes our way.
This weekend I made mistakes. This weekend I loved fully. This weekend I witnessed to someone about what Christ has done in my life. This weekend I cried. This weekend my heart broke. This weekend God picked up my heart, myself, and carried me to an alter to pray. This weekend, I remembered that I am beloved. This weekend I delighted in singleness. This weekend I poured my heart out. This weekend I debated apologetics. This weekend, I came home, and this weekend I haven’t regretted it."

7 x 70

You know what I'm going to say, don't you?

Don't you?

Forgiveness.

He and I have been wrestling for several years.

To say that I'm winning is to say that I am being stubborn, and prideful, and ignorant, and hard-hearted, and it's all true. I should be losing to forgiveness. Humbling myself to its power. Executing the concept that I so often preach and associate with my faith in Jesus Christ.

Alas, here I am. Defeating forgiveness.

I'm so torn between how to teach others to forgive when I can't do it myself. Though I'm ready to forgive almost anything. Except that one thing...

It's holding me back, and I don't know how to handle it. I am trying, I promise. It's just so hard for me to do. I want to be faithful to God, and obey Him. I feel as though I'm part of the way there, and that forgiveness is the last step; the wall between us; the only thing left for me to do before I can totally surrender my life to Him so that He is in control.

I'm working on it, and God's working on me.

I'm ready for Thanksgiving Break.

Give Thanks With A Grateful Heart

Strong Enough - Matthew West

"You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
That’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
Courtesy of lyricshall.com
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough, strong enough
Oh yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough, strong enough"
Amen.

I Think That We Take Bathrooms For Granted.

Just a thought I had yesterday.

And again today when my bladder almost exploded.

God has blessed us with a lot. I'm really grateful for that forceful reminder sometimes.

Song; I just thought it was really cute. (: "I Believe In You" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Walking With Christ

"I believe that Christ was necessary to bridge the gap from the Creator to the creation that we might know the only worthy Thing in the Universe."


Now this is cool. I never thought of it that way before, but it's really accurate (at least as far as what I believe). However it's not entirely relevant to my post (though at some point I may try to make it be. Hehe).


Well yesterday I had a really cool experience when I was walking back to campus from the Math Empo. i tend to do that often, especially when it's nice outside and I have my iPod (which I always do).


Yesterday was beautiful in terms of all the colors and serenity of the scenery and the weather and the skies and mountains and trees and everything, and I just couldn't help but stand in awe of God's creation. It was seriously breath-taking. 


I was listening to my normal album designated for going to and from the empo (Forget and Not Slow Down by Relient K, of course), but I just got so excited about how awesome God was that I had to put on something else. Something that focused my mind on Him and not just songs I liked a lot. I put on Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin and did something I never would have ever expected myself to do (as an introverted, shy, publicly  reserved person): I started singing, OUT LOUD, as I'm walking down the street by myself in the middle of God's beautiful world. Then I started dancing. Like, what the heck? I don't do things like that. But I was passing people and they were kind of looking at me funny, one guy on a bike actually started laughing and then had to stop when he passed me. I got a kick out of that.


But it was as if I had finally grasped the concept that I can be undignified for Christ! Such an awesome feeling, seriously. 


I don't know, at this point I'm just speechless. God's too awesome to put in words, and I guess that's why I had the sudden urge just to sing and dance to praise Him for His goodness and power. 


I believe that He made everything, and He can do everything, and He makes all things work together for good to those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)


Well, life's good, because God's good. And I love the fact that God is good, because it means that I get to serve a Creator, Father, Master, who is fair and just and loving and caring, and who would do so much as to let His Son die for me. For me! And for you, and you ,and you, to save the whole world. I'm so thankful and humbled. Glory to God!


Song: Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin

Liberation!

Let go, and let God.

I learned this very important lesson this weekend. As much as I try to hold on to everything I have in this world, to be self-sufficient, to strive for worldly perfection, none of it matters when you realize that everything belongs to God, and this world is temporary.

I got an eternal perspective.

When I graduate from college in 4 (or 5) years, it's not going to matter that I got a 60 on my calculus test last week. I'm not going to remember how bad it felt when I didn't practice enough and Dr. Cowden was disappointed in me for a day. I won't have kept track of how many chocolate muffins I ate, how many cups of coffee I drank, how many times I used the word tired, the number of nights I only got 4 hours of sleep, or the times I skipped out on homework to get at least 6 hours of sleep.

Our life on earth is a vapor. Cliche, I know, but it's true. I like cliche things. I've probably said that before. That isn't the point.

If I live to be 90 years old, people will say I lived a great long life. Whoop-dee-doo. I'd rather my soul live in heaven for a day than spend a thousand years on this earth! The things I do are to be glorifying to God, not self-seeking. I only want that good grade for me, not for God. If it's more important that I stay awake with my upset friend than go to sleep, then I will neglect my needs for hers. For the glory of God.

If buying someone lunch means I skip a meal, then I will. For the glory of God. (That's nothing on 30 Hour Famine anyway).

If giving up my seat on the bus means I have to stand and hold the bars the whole way, then I'll do it. For the glory of God.

After experiencing God's presence this weekend, in my life and just in everywhere I looked, He grabbed me and told me that He loved me. He's going to take care of me. College is hard; life is hard. He's got it under control, even though I never will.

I feel completely liberated that I can give Him all my struggles, my worries, my fears, and my doubts, but also praise Him for hope and joy and peace, and glorify Him for everything (good and bad) in my life, because I know He's working it all out for His plan and His purpose.

Sometimes I feel like having faith in God, or the concept of God in general, is like running yourself into a circle. There are split-seconds of days when I become overwhelmed by it and get discouraged. All it takes is a step back, a little perspective, and realizing that we live by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7), which is a hard concept, especially for someone like me who likes to have things logically laid out in front of her.

But it's true. It's real. It's infinite. It's God.

I felt a heavy burden taken off of my in this last couple of days, and it is the greatest I've felt in a long time. I still have just as much work, get just as little sleep, am just as tired as before, but I rest in God's peace that He has everything under control, and that as long as I stay faithful to Him, sleep-deprived and all, He will always provide for me and I don't have to worry about a thing.

Side note: while I praise God for the seasons of life, of the year, I'm really spiteful of cold weather. And the crazy weather in Blacksburg. So, here's to bundling up from now until March--Happy November!

I don't have a song for right now. I'm tired. And it's 2:42 a.m. If I come up with one, I'll make the revision, so until then my friends!

In Tune

I've been inspired.

By what, you ask?

So much.

I can't exactly pinpoint where this title came from. Well actually, it came from my thought process as I was reading someone's 365 project. I have really weird thought processes.

I'm just so weird (my Twitter even says so).

Being "in tune" always makes me think of music. Usually, anyway. Tonight I was thinking of something different before I realized that the real word I was thinking of was "insightful". Regardless, "in tune" means a lot to me. And here's why:

Musically, yes I do enjoy when things are in tune. I mean who doesn't? Especially people with perfect pitch (and I have a friend...). When I put it in perspective, I'm actually glad that I don't have perfect pitch. Sure, it would help me out a lot in sight singing when Dr. Sipes is critiquing me on my tone, but at the same time I feel as though I would just get really frustrated with pianos that were slightly out of tune, or performers who were better actors than singers, or two instruments both trying to play in concert pitch. You get the idea.

Or maybe you don't. But that's okay, really.

I've been told that I am 'insightful of my own feelings' before, and I think that's what sparked my current state of wanting to write. Granted, I am also avoiding a psychology paper...

I've always thought this to be true, and especially after it was reinforced by my kind friend. But lately, it seems as though I don't know what I'm feeling. All I'm doing is living. Breathing. Breath after breath, as if all I can do is survive.

Wake up. Brush my teeth. Sit. Listen. Take notes. Doze off. Quiz. Rehearsal. Practice. Test. Lesson. Lunch. Fellowship. Bus. Make a bracelet. Drink water. Dinner. Shower. Social network. Walk. Blink. Breathe. Live. Exist. Survive.

I was insightful once upon a time. I think I still could be if I tried. It's just that...

I don't know.

If I were to describe how I was feeling at this very moment in time my first answer would be tired: physically, mentally, emotionally tired. My body wants sleep, my mind and brain want to rest, and my emotions don't even know what to do with themselves.

I have always been very observant of people. Granted, I'm rarely observant of my surroundings, but people is something I'm good at. If I know a person, I can look at them and tell you exactly how they're feeling. If I don't know a person, I get a vibe. I also notice their features (specifically hands and feet--that's just something weird about me).

I used to never want insight into myself, but in the last few years I got some, and my own self-insight has continued growing.

It seems as though in the last 9 weeks I have lost it.

Honestly I think part of it is just pure exhaustion.

The other not-so-good thing about this is that I haven't felt spiritually challenged in months. My spiritual life is at a standstill. My relationship with God is still growing, but only in a very personal way. I haven't fallen away, and I'm not headed in a downward spiral by any means. I'm just standing still, not moving at all, as if I were content exactly where I was with no desire to move forward, step out, see what else lies beyond this point in my life and this journey I'm on with God and my brothers and sisters in Christ.

But I desire all these things. I've just lost the way to acquire them.

At the same time, however, I'm grasping the idea that God is omnipresent. And it's a good thing too, because there is nothing I can do by myself. I used to think I could, and these last 2 months have humbled me greatly in that.

My prayer for tonight is that God will give me physical, mental, emotional, spiritual rest, and wake me refreshed so that I may seek Him to face all the challenges satan throws at me, and reach out into the world to SHINE MY LIGHT.

FAVORITE song of the moment: Therapy by Relient K (of course):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHe5I5nYL-k&feature=related

Life As A Pianist...

I honestly think the main reason I'm posting this is because I'm avoiding writing my philosophy paper. Nevertheless, I've been contemplating the portion of the life I lead as a pianist as of late...

It's weird: until recently, I haven't really considered it being my "life", but now that I'm having to step it up as a musician, who I am as a person is being forced to mesh with that (not that I mind by any means).

Stress is a big part of it. Lack of sleep. No time to eat. No time to shower (but let's be honest, how often did I really do that before?). Too much to do. Not enough hours in the day. It sounds pretty generic as far as the lifestyle, but being a musician and especially a pianist takes it to a whole new level.

We have to be performers, we have to be accompanists, we have to be collaborators, we have to be coaches, and we have to be prompt, agreeable, on cue, all the time, flexible, available, and meek and mild. We do as we're told.

Well, now, some would disagree.

Although, I like doing what I'm told--I'm very indecisive.

Anyway, in most cases (and in the ever-biased opinion of almost all pianists) the piano-player runs the show. Nothing can happen without it, and everyone else has to follow it. No pressure, right? All the instruments are tuned to the piano, and it's the star of the show. Except that there's little to no appreciation for it in the world outside of a music department or music world. It gets pushed to the background and people either underestimate the capabilities of the piano part itself as well as the person playing it, or make overly generous assumptions based on their ignorance (ie, give us music 3 days before a show, etc.).

That's just me complaining about how under-appreciated we are, and blah blah blah.

Really, it's just hard coping to how much more people expect out of me as a pianist now that I'm studying it at the collegiate level. There's more on my plate, my instructor throws piece after piece at me, the voice teacher does the same so I can "collaborate" with (accompany) her voice student, and now the trumpet instructor is doing the same. I now have to record accompaniment for trumpet, as well as play for a trumpet student's jury (end-of-the-year performance/exam/grade for music majors).

I'm expected to practice a lot. That doesn't happen. I have 20 credit hours because I'm insane, and so when I get time to practice I take it even if it's only 30 minutes--something's better than nothing.

Today I performed pretty poorly in my partner's voice lesson. I feel like I really disappointed the voice teacher because she had us learn a new song that we hadn't practiced until the day before his lesson, and that was the only chance I'd gotten to look at it. She kept saying that it was okay, and we were making progress, and at least we were together, and I play more right notes than she would, but I could tell how frustrated she was that I wasn't more prepared (it kinda sucks because she's giving me a grade too).

Sometimes I let it all get the best of me, and today was one of those days. I hashtag #musicmajorproblems too often, but it's so accurate.

I don't like to make decisions. I like to be told exactly what to do and exactly how to do it, and then do it. I like to do what I'm told. I don't like letting people down. I like doing things right. I don't like making mistakes when it comes to doing things for other people. Apparently I need to get over all of this if I'm ever going to be a good pianist.

Life as a pianist bears a long, hard road and I'm going to walk, run, crawl, trip, roll, and dance my way to the end. But I don't want it to ever end...

Well, I'm still running the race for the goal of THE prize, and fighting that food fight, so that counts for something! And to quote Relient K YET AGAIN: "When the nightmare finally does unfold perspective is a lovely hand to hold."

Goodnight. (:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eegDWPtk37c This is the song I'm currently memorizing for applied piano--I just don't play it quite this fast. "Sonata in G" by Mozart.

Forget And Not Slow Down

Relient K. Again. What a surprise. They're just so good; what can I say?

Well, today I was listening to their song called "Forget And Not Slow Down" while I was attempting to master Unit 6 of Vector Geometry (which went just about as well as it sounds to the common ear), and the lyrics struck me:

"I'd rather forget and not slow down than gather regret for the things that I can change now. And if I become what I can't accept then resurrect the saint from within the wretch."

And I was like, hmmm, maybe that does make sense.

I have been beyond stressed out about everything: about my school work, am I going to get it done, am I going to get a good grade (the answer usually being no), am I going to wake up in time to get coffee, do I have something due tomorrow?, what was I supposed to practice, when are my math tests, what chapter are we even on?, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on.

Needless to say, college has been kicking my butt, and I am looking forward to the end of the semester when I don't feel a sudden overwhelming sense of panic sweep over me and take control of my very being every time I think about how much school work I have to do.

It's just a little ridiculous.

And I know: time management; don't stress out; get help; focus; discipline; schedule.

I just feel like it's taking me way too long to get into a routine of any sort other than waking up, getting coffee, and going to my 8 a.m. classes. I keep freaking out, and crying, and throwing my pens at the wall (it was sick: it hit the wall, then rebounded off the door, and THEN hit the floor. Now my arm hurts.). I keep feeling like I just can't take it any more, and it's a really scary feeling. There's so much to do, and I can't keep track of it all, and that alone stresses me out even more! What is one to do?

Well, I've at least come to a realization: Everything has a due date. After that due date, I can follow Matt Thiessen's advice and 'forget and not slow down' because once it's done it's done, and there's nothing more I can do about it.

Granted, I want to do my absolute very best to bring honor and glory to God and not half-crap everything, but if I try and don't quite meet the worldly standard, I can still find a way to praise God. I will admit that this whole stress thing sucks while it's happening, and thinking about it after it's over is even worse, but God's got a plan, and He will be the one to redeem my sorry excuse for a person and bring me out of this mess.

So, here's to letting go, and giving it all to God.

1 Peter 5:7

Song of the Moment is obviously going to be this one... "Forget And Not Slow Down" by Relient K: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crMvz0Nv_HY&feature=related*

*I don't actually know if this link works, but if I find out otherwise I'll fix it and post a new one. Please enjoy the awesomeness that IS Relient K.

J.O.Y.

Joy is a really fun topic. Or concept. Or emotion. Or way of life.

The acronym stands for J-esus, O-thers, Y-ou.

Jesus comes before everything and everyone. Everyone else comes before you. You humble yourself and put it last. (Am I allowed to call 'yourself' 'it'? Well I just did)

Anyway, now that I'm in college (haha) I'm having to learn some serious time-management skills, of which I am seriously lacking. Like, a lot. Honestly my biggest problem is my lack of focus and motivation. I get on facebook too often because I don't "feel like" doing work. Which is silly. I'm learning to prioritize. Sort of. I will learn how to prioritize. Eventually. I pray. I think the concept of JOY is a nice start.

Obviously for me Jesus comes first in everything I do. No matter what I'm doing it's all for the glory of God. Now, Katie, is getting on facebook every 2 seconds for no reason instead of doing work for your classes really glorifying to God? I do believe that the answer is 'no'. And I do believe that I am correct. The further behind I get the less I want to do work because there's always more to and the more I think about it the more it stresses me out. But I just have to do it. God wants me to work hard. He wants me to learn how to manage my time wisely. He wants me to glorify Him.

So then what's next? Everyone else. I guess it's kind of confusing, talking about all the work I have to do for my classes and studios and whatnot, trying to put others before myself. My school work has to get done. If I really have to do something, I can't blow it off to go hang out with someone. HOWEVER, if one of my friends contacts me and they really need something, I will of course drop everything and be there. It's sometimes difficult, though, to focus on what you need to instead of waiting for someone to call you for something. It's right to put other's needs before yours, but not when it comes to their school work. You do your school work, they do theirs, and when all that's done, anything they need that you can give them is theirs (since you can't give them their schoolwork/homework/tests. Did that make sense? I have no idea).

Last, and, in fact, least: you (me). Humility. Swallowing pride. Kneeling before the throne. Taking care of yourself after everyone else has been cared for. Let people skip you in line. Let someone else have the last piece of cake. Give someone your only pen or hair bow. Hold the door open (don't just hold it for the person behind you: step back and let people in). Give your friends (or your not-friends) the comfy chair.

Care.

I guess this is what's been getting to me lately. I really do honestly and sincerely care about people, and I always have. I just have a heart for people who need something that I have the capacity to give them. I love listening to people talk about their struggles because it gives me room to help them and share God's love with them. It's always fun for me to ask someone how their day has been, and get an honest answer that gives me a break down of it all. Just sitting and listening can be one of the most rewarding things ever.

Basically, you have to get your priorities straight. And I'm pretty sure every time I've said "your" I've mean "my". Same difference. It goes for anyone, I suppose. I know that I need to decide what's important, what's not, and when it is or isn't. Who's important? What relationships (in addition to the one with God) are worth putting serious time and dedication in to? How do I balance school work and a social life, with God as the head of all of it?

I suppose that's just it then. When God's in control, you can't go wrong. As long as YOU (I) are obedient and YOU (I) do everything that's pleasing to God, your (my) life will be filled with peace and fulfillment.

Side note: I would appreciate prayers for my life, as well as those of my friends who shall be unmentioned in this blog. May God do great and powerful works in each of our lives.

Song of the Moment: "Lay 'Em Down" by NEEDTOBREATHE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PN-BMHi5L8&ob=av2e

This Is Home

As promised, I am finally getting around to a blog post (this is mostly for you, Corina). ;)

It's been 3 whole whopping weeks since I've moved into college, and I'm slowly reaching the point where it's becoming less like summer camp and more like home. This is where I live. This is where I eat and sleep and do homework and facebook and tweet and shower (or not) and do laundry and wash dishes and play piano and go to church.

This is where I live.

I have discovered quite a number of things after living here for approximately 21 days:

1. I like muffins and coffee.
2. I don't like interacting with random people in the bathroom.
3. I don't like being cold when I pee. Or at all.
4. Taking naps at 2 in the afternoon is basically the greatest thing ever.
5. Caffeine has lodged itself into my central nervous system.
6. Philosophy is not a fun class.
7. I don't like having to wear shoes to the bathroom or in the shower.
8. Having to walk to a separate building just to practice the piano is a hassle.
9. Music Majors are some of the funniest people ever (We haven't learned rests yet!).
10. Math Majors are some of the weirdest people ever.
11. I've yet to break my addiction to minesweeper.
12. Skype is one of the world's greatest inventions.
13. I like wearing pants (that one's for you, Emily).

Clearly I've learned more than that, but those are some of your basics.

Having to establish a whole new life is very interesting and quite hectic. It's definitely an adjustment. I think one of the hardest things for me so far is trying to do everything for God's glory. He obviously has a reason for exactly where I am right now, and I get that, I just wish I could focus on it and be conscious of it all the time so I could live for Him better. It's as if I don't trust Him to have control over my life or something. I can do things my own way, but when it doesn't work ask Him for help.

Oh wait, it doesn't work that way!

God is the center. When you allow Him to be the center of all you do/say/think/feel/experience He puts everything else into place. I've been trying to hone in on that and build a stronger relationship with God and surrender myself so that He can form that relationship with me.

In college, life's a whole new playing field, and God is the only constant we have to hold on to.

I've started to realize that not even my nearest and dearest friends are going to be around forever. Correction: I always knew that, but now I'm experiencing it and I've accepted it. God is using all of my friends for His purpose, and that doesn't necessarily include my friendship.

It's cool, though. I'm liking this whole college thing. On Fridays, my classes end before lunch. Basically my weekend starts at 12:05, and it's awesome!

Also, I just took my first exam, and it was very interesting. I didn't think it was very difficult, but the time restraint was different because in high school a class period was an hour and a half, and now classes are 50 minutes, so that's as long as I had to take my test. Everyone else in my class said they didn't finish and that it was hard, so I feel even more confident that I did well because I finished (5 minutes) early and answered each question with almost complete certainty. So Theory's good.

I've adjusted to the school work, but now I'm second guessing whether or not I've adjusted emotionally. Coming to terms with the fact that Virginia Tech is my home now is difficult. It wasn't hard at all until I came home this weekend. I was excited to see everyone I'd "left behind" and it was a very happy experience! But then when I left it was like I was instantly depressed and I didn't want to go back to college. The people I couldn't wait to see are the ones I'm going to miss all over again when I go back. I've been told it's the hardest the first time, and I believe that. It also doesn't help that, well, I'm a girl... Yeah.

I guess if you're taking the time to read this, I would ask that you pray for me. But more that I will pray for God's will to be done in my life. Pray that I'm happy, successful, diligent, safe, healthy, but above all else, if my definitions of these things are not part of His plan, that His will be done above all else.

I'd like to be able to accept my new "home".

Song of the Moment: "This Is Home" by Switchfoot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKNleDdUFY

Disclaimer: I realize this post is not entirely cohesive. That is entirely my fault for writing it in 3 different pieces. A lot's happened in the past 4 days. Regardless: lots of love, always!

This Title is About Nothing.

I was going to post something insightful and wise and deep tonight.

Then I got home and started doing my calculus homework.

Then I spent 45 minutes on one problem, only to come to find that I had done it right the first time. This afternoon.

Then I discovered that this calc assignment that's due tomorrow at 8 am is not finished.

Then I remembered that I needed to finish my Music Theory homework.

Then I remembered that I needed to do 30 minutes of Teoria for Sight Singing.

Then I remembered that I needed to read all about abortion (written objectively, of course) for philosophy.

At least Allie and Relient K are keeping me company.

I promise, I will write something resembling a blog post soon.

If I don't implode first, that is.

Welcome to college.

James 5:16/Jeremiah 29:14

Someone, Please Save Us: Us College Kids

I'm obsessed with this song by Relient K. It's called "College Kids" and it's just really funny. Especially since I just got to college. And of course, I decided to blog about my college experience thus far.

I moved in to VT on Thursday morning, and my roommate right after me. It was great. We exchanged pleasantries, hugs, handshakes between her and her family and my mom, and we started setting up shop right away! It was fun, as we decided how we were going to arrange everything, and decorate everything. Her bed is lofted, and she put her desk and little bookshelf underneath, mine is about half way up the wall so the 3-drawer dresser can fit under it, but it's still low enough to where I can jump into bed. It's wonderful.

We bought curtains, and a rug, and a chair, and we each have our own set of little decorations, which kind of actually match, and we have our pictures at our desks and whatnot, and it's super cute. There are 2 closets, with a sink and a mirror in between. It's been working so far.

Oh yeah, and there's a fan that sits at the window, and she has a little one clipped to her bed. It's quite warm in the summer with no air conditioning. Oh, and our fridge is in that corner as well.

We do not have a TV, and I am very fortunate of that.

Her name is Allie. She is my roommate. And after 5 days, she's my very dear friend.

We spent the first few days before classes getting to know each other, and meeting each other's friends, and exploring campus and the good places to eat, and fixing our room just the way we wanted it. (Also we're close to the same size, so that could come in handy at some point).

Well, I started classes Monday (yesterday) with Calculus at 8 am. Yes, I love calculus, but no, I don't like getting up early, then falling asleep in class because I forgot to get coffee. After calc I had Music Theory/Harmony followed by Sight Singing which were in the same classroom, different teacher. They were okay. I'll just need to pay attention and keep up. After that I had about a 40-50 minute break before I went to Philosophy: Morality and Justice. I'm not a fan so far, but we'll see how that plays out.

Today (Tuesday) I had my second day of classes. Vector Geometry was at 8 am, and I hated it. I fell asleep at least 9 times, and got almost nothing out of it, only to find out that he doesn't require attendance to lectures, but only to recitations. So I can go to the recitation, ask questions there, and take the weekly test after that. Anyway, after that I had a break for a while until 12:30 when I had psychology which only lasted 20 minutes because today was just an intro. I don't see that class being entirely too difficult. Then at 2:00 I had to go to a weekly convocation for music majors which was just informative stuff, and directly after book it across campus to Intro to a Research University (which will be easy, but it's so completely pointless).

Wednesday is the same as Monday, but with an extra hour of Geometry recitation.
Thursday is the same as Tuesday with psychology instead of geometry, and without a convocation (and plus a piano meeting this week).
Friday is the same as Monday but with a philosophy recitation instead of the actual class.
I still have yet to sign up for my 2 different piano times, so I'll post those as soon as I know. Chances are they're going to make my schedule even crazier (p.s. I'm taking 20 credit hours this semester).

ANYWAY. Besides all of that, my overall college experience has been a good one these last few days. My roommate and I have gotten along great, and I'm pretty sure it's going to continue that way. I believe that we'll become really great friends.

More on my roommate: we've already had some intense bonding experiences. We've done a lot of stuff together, eaten meals together, walked around and hung out together, but today is when we kind of began/defined our friendship.

You see, she's been feeling really homesick, like the whole time she's been here. And I mean, I kind of could tell that she was a little, because she told me she's super close to her family and all this other stuff, but I didn't think a whole lot (I say that loosely) about it until today. She had one class, and it was over at like 10:45, and by the time she got back to the room I was already back from my 8 am which ended at 9:15. So we're sitting at our desks just doing our own things, stressing as normal, and then she turned kind of in the middle of her frustration with "classes" and basically just said I'm feeling really homesick.

So I let her cry it out for almost an hour I think, trying to comfort her but mostly just being there. I tried to be a good friend, I really did. But then I had to go to class, but I made sure to check up on her, and then I got back and it was basically okay (I mean she's still not great, but she wasn't super upset). Then I left to do my thing and she did hers, and when I got back she was already there, and she was upset again, I think on the phone with her family. After that, I was like all right girl, we're going to the bookstore and getting sleeping pills right now (because she's been having trouble sleeping as well). So we did, and basically we just talked about life and each other along the way, and I think this little breakdown of ours was the beginning of a very understanding and compassionate relationship.

Well anyway, she took her sleeping pill at approximately 10:35, and she looks like she's been asleep pretty solidly for about a half hour, so hopefully when she gets up in the morning she will have slept through the night.

Anyway, college is great, I'm going to be super stressed at some point most likely very soon, but I've got tons of support, and a mostly level head that's helping me actually get my work done.

Also, VERY IMPORTANT, please lift up your prayers for my roommate that she may find peace and come to know that God is taking care of her even while she's away from her family. Pray for me as well, that I can somehow be there for her in a way that's helpful to her.

On a lighter note, I'm not behind yet, and I've yet to fail anything! :D

Song of the moment: Salvation is Here, by Hillsong: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHzXMVk6FOs

A Week of Lasts

Since the beginning of the 2010-2011 school year I've gone through a whole list of things I will do "for the last time". I went to my last high school football game (as a student), my last Homecoming dance, my last 5th Quarter (as a student), my last Fall Retreat (as a student), my last D-Now (as a student), my last Prom, my last high school play, and the list goes on and on.

But this week is different.

This past Wednesday I went to my last C.Re.W. (Christians in the Real World, youth). I also went to the pediatric dentist for the last time (which is actually quite funny). Also on Wednesday, I'm pretty sure I saw my best friend Emily for the last time before we go to college. I didn't even realize it.

Tonight I went to the eXtreme (Sunday night youth) planning get together which we do basically every Saturday, and we planned for weeks I'm not even going to be in youth any more. It was an odd feeling to say the least. But this was my last one. The rest of them will continue on, but I won't.

I'll be in college.

Tomorrow night is my last eXtreme ever as a student, and honestly I don't think I'm even going to realize it or feel it tomorrow night. It's what I've done every Sunday night for the past 7 years, so why should this one feel any different? It won't be until I come back and experience it again from the other side that I realize how truly incredible it was.

Monday will be the last time I babysit for the summer.
Monday will also be the last day I see friends, Alexa and Kate, before college.
Tuesday will be the last day I see my friend Jasmine before college.
Wednesday will be the last time I see my sister before college.
Wednesday will also be the last time I go to Frogurt before college.
Wednesday will, most importantly, be the last time I see my best friend, Christie, before we go to college.
Wednesday night will be the last time I sleep in my bed until October 7th.
Thursday will be the last time I drive away as a "high school student".

Needless to say, I have a lot of feelings.

But they're good feelings, mostly:
I feel excited, to continue my life's journey.
I feel relieved, to be getting rid of some of high school's baggage.
I feel happy, that my very first class is Calculus II.
I feel okay, about making new friends.
I feel sad, to be leaving my friends, but I feel hopeful because I know that I'll see them again.
I feel calm, about changing everything about the way I live my life.
I feel at peace, with starting over with people, but continuing in Christ.

I've just been doing a lot of "flashbacks" this week with the songs we listened to in grades 6-12, the movies we saw, the videos we watched, the phrases we repeated, the things we did. I have a lot of good memories (and a lot of funny pictures to prove it), and they're what will keep me going. Remembering the good times, and making more good times.

Well, that's all I have to say. I suppose the next time I post I'll be living in a dorm, so sayonara from the "old" Katie! (:

Song of the moment: Billy Brown by Third Day, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F06NZu2tmLc

We'll See

Clearly I'm doing a lot of pre-college reflection. It's fun though. (:

'We'll see' has become my motto over the past several months. For one thing, it's just funny, but I'm starting to realize that it goes a lot deeper than that.

I'm pretty sure it first happened in English class this past year (awhhh yeahhhh!). I said it once when I was asked a question (one which I do not remember) and it stuck.

So Katie, are you going to make the dean's list?
-We'll see.

So Katie, are you and your roommate going to hang out together with clubs and organizations?
-We'll see.

So Katie, are you going to shower regularly?
-We'll see. Oh yes, we will.

And I mean that's all fine and good, and it's not like I'm trying to give a short answer for the sake of not talking, it's just that...well...we'll see.

I say it's my motto, but I must confess that sometimes I do use it apathetically because I really am sick of talking. Recently, however, I've begun to figure out how it actually makes sense. It kind of reinforces our faith in God. How you ask? Well maybe you didn't ask, but Imma tell you anyway.

God tells us to have a game plan that's glorifying to Him, but at the same time not to always expect it to go the way you want it to, because He has a better plan than we do. It reminds me that I can't always know exactly what's going to happen at any given time, on any given day or hour, but that I can rely on God who already knows everything that has happened, that is happening, and that will happen. It's 'We'll see' because it refers to humans, people, you and me. We are the ones blessed enough to see God's will and His work revealed to us, IN TIME.

We're too impatient sometimes, and it sucks. Really, it does. We want it here, we want it fast, and we want it now. I can attest to that fact from personal experience. Something pretty cool, though, that I've heard a lot before is that when you pray for patience you don't "get" patience. You get tested. God puts you in a situation in which your nerves and patience are tested, and YOU have to make the choice to decide what you should do under the circumstance (though we ought to have patience in EVERY circumstance, but you know how it is).

Basically, I'm working on having patience with everyone and everything, and also not putting myself in situations where I could lose my temper and become inpatient. I feel this will be especially helpful as I am about to have to live with someone I don't know for the next several months.

"And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary." -Galatians 6:9

"And we urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with all men" -1 Thessalonians 5:14

And one of my personal favorites: "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." -James 1:2-3

Song of the Moment: So Much Love - The Rocket Summer 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DPNGGiZxVI&ob=av2e

(and this music video is awesome!)

Not About Me

It's not about me; I guess it's not, huh.

I mean, it's not that I'm suddenly having this revelation because I've been overly selfish my whole life or anything, but I mean as humans we all have desires and wants that we misconstrue as being needs, and we put them above everything and everyone else. Lately I've been reflecting on how that ISN'T good.

Hear that? Yielding to your hearts desires isn't always a good thing.

It even tells us in the Bible, in Jeremiah, Matthew, Luke, etc., that the heart is deceitful and brings forth evil. It's where desires come from, and it's easily manipulated by the devil. Our minds have to over come it-mind over matter. With our minds we can think, make decisions; it's where we talk to God sometimes, and where we listen to Him (it's kind of in our heads a little bit), and through that we can over power our hearts by telling them that they can't always get what they want.

Is it hard?

Absolutely.

But is it possible?

Of course-Philippians 4:13!

I've just been thinking about this a lot lately because things are happening in my life that are beyond my control-things in the youth group that I will soon no longer be a part of, things at school, things at home (typical chores, mom's rule, all that jazz), and other areas of my life. I try to put others before myself in every aspect of my life, but now that I'm not getting my way, I have to take a step back and do a little evaluating.

It's not about me.

Today I was talking to a friend of mine via social networking and we've been trying to plan an event where about 6 or 7 of us can all go. It hasn't quite been working the way we'd hoped. So, she suggested a potential solution tonight, and I wasn't thrilled with it, but I pretended like I was, but said she should ask the guys in charge about it. One agreed, one we haven't heard from.

I kept thinking to myself, "I don't want to do that. Gosh, I really don't want to do that."

DUDE?! WHAT THE HECK?! Who gave me the right to be so selfish? That's just silly.

In this time of reflection, I've realized that there's a lot more I can do to put others before myself. It's going to take A LOT of effort on my part to always be conscious of decisions that could possibly be detrimental to others, and to also be aware 24/7 of other people instead of myself.

There's a quote I heard on the radio once (the area Christian radio station) that being humble isn't thinking less of yourself, but that it's thinking of yourself less. I liked it. It really hit home with me, and I'd like to start living that way. I usually have the mindset of Katie Katie Katie, but God's pulling at my insides telling me to knock it off, and I've really got to listen.

It's not about me.

"He must increase, and i must decrease." -John 3:30

Song of the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuPuc8zbQ5s

Moving On

That's really a cliche title for a post, isn't it? But I've never been too creative in the the 'title' area, so I guess it's going to have to suffice.

It's been an interesting month and a half. I graduated, learned 2 new instruments, dealt with kids way longer than I should have, and have slowly but surely been letting go of my youth group and some of my 'high school friends'.

I know I usually complain about how scared I am of college and how I don't want things to change and how I can't stand to be away from my friends and how I'm going to miss everything and blah blah blah whine whine whine, but as of right now, I'm totally ready. College, let's goooooooooooo!

I'm sure this seems rather odd, especially coming from me, but I've become so burnt out on what I've been doing lately that I'm totally geared up for the next step/stage/chapter so I can be refueled and rejuvenated again! I'm prepared for college (I go to orientation Thursday-Friday), I'm ready for the challenges of classes, and I'm in the mindset to have to live with someone in close quarters. Piece of cake right?

Haha! Well, I say that now, but chances are I'll be calling my mom crying in the middle of the week because I'm mad at her for making me take psychology and it's hard and stupid and I hate it, but that's what college is, right?

Nonetheless, I've reached the point in my life where I can say I'm ready. My very next step is closure, and I'll get most of that on August 7th. I'm taking each day for what it is, and appreciating and enjoying everything its 24 hours has to offer in entirety (though %33.3 is spent sleeping). I have good memories, great memories even, to look back on, and I have an enduring hope for the future, but I'm focusing on the here and now in order to give God the glory in everything I do, instead of worrying about what's going to happen to me or how I'm going to feel or what I'm going to experience.

The only thing I may not be ready for is having my best friend 2.5 hours away from me, but thank God for advanced technology (Skype/cell phones/facebook) so it won't be so bad.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and a wise friend of mine just recently gave me some great advice: to go out, spread my branches into the world, grow as a person, but always remember your roots at home and that you can always come back to them.

Yeah, I'll miss it: high school, childhood, Chi Alpha Youth, my friends, my teachers, my own room. But I am confident in God's plan that this work He began in me will continue through college and will not be finished until He returns. Although, I guess that COULD happen in college. :)

On a separate note, my instrumental abilities are growing to more piano, guitar, clarinet, flute, and I will soon be getting a violin and a saxophone, so as soon as I get them, I will learn how to play them!

But this blasted guitar! I cannot learn these silly barre chords! I am trying, though, to little avail but then again, I only learned them an hour ago.

SO, I'm going into college with confidence, initiative, determination, and with a good attitude! I am SO looking forward to this experience!

Song of the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEqdDdvFXZ0

Do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you!
'Cause He made you to do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face;
To tell the story of grace with every move that you make
And every little thing you do!

Bucket List

I've never had one before, but when I do something epic I always say I can cross it off my 'Bucket List'. So instead, I've decided to make a list of my top most amazing experiences of my life post-high school so that I can put my life into perspective and not be bummed about ending such a huge part of my life.

1. Learning to play the guitar: 6.10.11
2. Getting a 5 on my AP Calculus exam: 7.6.11
3. Spending 6 days with the VBC Youth Choir and my best friend sharing the love of God through music: 7.14.11
4. Seeing the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: 7.15.11
5. Making my own coffee: 7.27.11
6. Got a MacBook Pro for COLLEGE!: 7.28.11
7. Getting a debit card and using it for the first time: 8.17.11
8. Passing my first college calculus test!: 8.22.11
9. Staying up until 3 am to study for a college test: 9.20(21).11

That's all for now, but I suppose I'll keep it updated so I don't forget anything.

P.s. I just got back from that choir trip to Boston/Providence/Hershey and it was one of the most wonderful experiences ever. I've never felt closer to God or my friends, and I'll never forget it as my senior choir trip. Thanks to all who made it special, and rode so many roller coasters with me, physical and emotional, and those whose light continues to shine throughout the world, everywhere they go.

Matthew 5:16

Embrace the music; hold it in your heart.
Sing the song that life has given you.
Embrace the music no matter where you are.
Let music be a part of all you do.

And Just Like That

Well, after officially being declared a high school graduate, and getting my very own diploma with my name on it and EVERYTHING, and of course changing plans from 7 parties to 9 parties and a trip to get ice cream, I feel kind of...weird.

I mean clearly the class of 2011 has a lot of feelings, but what are these feelings exactly? Eh, I don't know. Some of everything, I guess.

It's weird, you know? I got to wear that cap and gown, and the stole and the medals and the cords for one day, 2 hours no less, and then it was time to put it all away. Then just like that, I had turned the page and closed a chapter in my life. It's been hard to put it in perspective, I guess.

I heard something today, though, that helped me put things in place a little bit better: "Life's like a book. You don't read the same chapter over and over again, do you? No. You read on to see what's going to happen next. It's the same with your life's story."

Now, I've gotten the book/chapter analogy many, many times before but this particular one seemed to click with me. I liked it. Plus last night at youth we talked about "industriousness" and how its key components are hard work and planning. I'm still working toward the ultimate goal that is to serve the Lord, further His kingdom, and spend eternal life in heaven, and also planning my life for the glory of God and accepting His will when my plans change because He has something better in mind. I'm trying to grow this summer. A lot, actually.

I'd like to get a summer job, though I'm not sure if it's going to work out. I learned to play the guitar 3 days ago, and apparently for only knowing it a few days, I'm really very good and caught on quickly. Becoming great is one of my goals this summer. Learning 4 new songs on the piano this summer is another. I also would like to finish memorizing the book of James, study Revelation, read the Gospels, read all 7 Harry Potters (less of a priority, of course), and keep a journal. There are other small things, but these are some of the things I'd like to do with my time in order to bring God glory, and start moving on with my life.

I wrote a letter to my very best friend. Writing letters and/or cards is what I do when things in my life come to and end, especially at the end of school years. She told me that she read the first few lines, and couldn't do it. Somehow, even though I've always been the one who freaks out about being separated and going to college and enduring all these changes, her saying that to me made me begin to move on. I finally got her to read it last night. I think we both needed closure, and that's helping us deal, but we don't leave for college for another 2 months! I'm trying to focus on what God wants me to do, but it's just been really hard. What do you do without your best friend? How do you 'start over' when you've shaken your vulnerability and your invisible wall keeps you from making new friends?

High school has been one of the best rides of my life. I've been told that college changes all of that, and easily becomes the best one. At this point, I'm refusing to believe it. I'm not resisting it, but I high school has been amazing. I sincerely hope that college tops it, but right now I can't imagine a better experience that my last 4 years. God can, though, and that's what I have to hold on to.

Song of the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysrIY84Ubmc

In Reverence to 'Living In The Moment'

I have one current...well,...dilemma:

My graduating class may or may not be able to proceed and recede in a proper fashion.

But on the plus side: I was officially declared a Valedictorian on Tuesday! You know, 1 of 22, but I DON'T CARE because I'm super excited! I've only had 2 days to enjoy life as a top academic student, so I'm going to milk it as long as I can. (:
(honestly, I'm just glad I don't have to sit with my home room, but with my friends instead.)

Anyway, I'll have much to say after I party hard all weekend and actually gradate! That's right: SEVEN graduation parties this weekend (I'm not throwing one, just party-hopping. (: )

Ta-da! I'm done! Wait, what?

Today (well actually 'yesterday') marks the end of a 4-year journey through high school that I have struggled with, enjoyed thoroughly, am relieved to have finished, and am going to miss more than anything I've ever missed before in my entire life.

It came to an end more suddenly than I would have thought, but it was a long time coming for me.

Today I had 3 'classes': Calculus which I'm going to miss more than any of them along with my favorite teacher who I'm going to miss more than anyone (partly because you can't miss someone you're going to see the premiere of Harry Potter with), Academic Extra Help which was a blast!, and Physics in which we ate cupcakes and cheese balls and discussed really deep stuff as a last day of high school sayonara. We left after that class. We took picture of the 6 of us (because 1 was absent) to mark the end and to remember it, and then it was over just like that. Just like that. I actually cried when I got out into the hallway. I wasn't going to, but it hit me all over again at once!

Then our little "group" of BFF's since elementary school, middle school took our "last day of school" pictures like always. (We looked really cute today, by the way) It was so bittersweet, and I couldn't help but think, "Wow, I'm never going to see half of them again." Our pictures were great, and we had a really fun time especially since school was still in session and we took pictures in our sad excuse for a courtyard.

I still have yet to fathom the idea that my best friends aren't going to be best friends any more. I mean, I know it and I realize it because once we all go away to school we're not going to spend every day with each other, our interests and personalities will change and grow apart, and we just won't be the same people. But it hasn't quite made sense with me yet because it hasn't happened yet, and I don't want it to. In case you hadn't noticed, change is my mortal enemy.

In all honesty, there's only one friend whom I feel will stay my BEST friend throughout the entire college experience, and we have only been best friends since the beginning of this school year. I almost feel as though I've been left behind in the dust because everyone else is all accepting of the fact that we're not going to be friends any more. I think I'm just more open about my feelings than most people, because I've had some of them tell me that they feel the exact same way, but they'd rather not think about it.

But anyway, people are people, and they will always be people. What I'm going to miss most about high school is the atmosphere, the enthusiasm, the small-town feel of inclusion, the teachers, the relationships I've had with my teachers. Everything about college is so different that I feel as though I'll hate it. I won't get back the feeling of high school every again, and I know that. That's why today was so bittersweet for me. I know God has bigger and better things planned for me in the next step, but I haven't fully grasped the fact that it's not going to be the same next year.

I love my memories of high school. Mostly from 10th grade on, I have had nothing but good times! I'm just baffled that it's all come to an end. But I will cherish each and every moment that I happen to remember, and look at my countless amounts of pictures "often and endlessly". I'll 'keep in touch' with people, but who knows what good that'll do. I just want to enjoy life, and from here on out that is what I intend to do.

Philippians 1:3-6. "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

I know He's not finished with me yet. I just have to keep having faith in Him and let Him do what He wants with my life, because I know that His will is greater than mine. "You wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans." I know I have a hope for the future, because my hope is in the grace and mercy of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fiwWMuTzeY