Why is it that I only ever feel like blogging during class?

So once again: Hello from Computer Science! a.k.a. my worst nightmare.

But it's okay.

I've been pretty MIA lately, so I apologize.
I just got done a with a Diff EQ test that I didn't study for and I'm pretty sure I scored at least a B- on it, which is good news.

In other news, I'm going to Eagle Eyrie tomorrow. There is no possible way to convey to you in words how excited I am. So, I'm very excited. I'm just going to leave it at that.

I've been feeling really not good toward God lately. I don't know why. I still pray to him, I still trust Him, I still have faith in His plan and His timing and His will, but for some reason I don't feel spiritually productive or spiritually ... alive?

But I've been able to recognize so much of the good God is working for me, and praise Him for that, but I'm in a funk that I can't shake for whatever reason. Life is good, God is good, and I can't complain, but for whatever reason I'm not excited about it.

Remember when you used to get excited for stuff? I'd like to be re-excited about sharing the Gospel and being a testament to God's grace. I'd like to get excited to being the hands and feet of God's church and stepping outside my comfort zone to love the lost and the least of these. I'd like to get excited about being persecuted for the sake of the cross, not seek after worldly success in vain. I want to pray to God completely humbled and say to Him "I have failed You, please forgive me. I love you and I want to live up to Your standards of loving my neighbors." I want a heart so fervently on fire for God that I can't contain all the good that He is.

So what's wrong with me?

Something I'm learning through all of this though is that when God wants us to learn something, we're not always going to be on a "spiritual high". Valleys are an important time for the devil to tempt you which reveals whether or not your faith is true. I know that God never leaves me; there is a difference between absence and silence. So I have faith that one day I will be on a mountain again, but until then I will trust in God and rejoice in His plan. I have peace from the Holy Spirit that overrules any earthly feelings I have.

So it's always possible to learn and grow in Christ, even if you don't feel good. That's what I'm learning. There is grace and forgiveness constantly flowing from the cross. We are also called to extend such to ourselves and others.

Amen.

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River

I'm in a funk. So I haven't done much of anything lately. Including things like writing.

So, sorry.

I'm complacent, so I'm praying I could NOT be that.

But God is constant and this valley I'm in is merely a small stage in my already brief life. So no worries.

All I want is to be learning more and more about God/Jesus/the Bible/faith/grace/mercy/love/how to be after God's heart and all that so I'm praying for revival in my heart but also clarity as to God's plan for this part of my life.

So I've been praying this song from Chris Tomlin:

All My Fountains

So yeah.

God alone can rescue me from this darkness, so I'm gonna rest in Him until I have hind-sight clarity. Because the present peace and joy are what matters now. And fortunately, undeservingly, by the grace of God, I have Jesus death and resurrection to rest in.

Praise God!

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What Do I Want to "Do"?

This is what I just titled an entry in my real "journal". And I don't want to say much else, so I'm just gonna share it with you.

Math - the children

Music - the church

I want my life - small and insignificant as it is - to be pleasing to God. All I want is for God to be glorified through me - that the world would know Him regardless of what I do. I want to feed the world  &tell them that Jesus loves them & that I love them & that there is hope for after this life is over. I want to make the name of Jesus famous. I don't want to be afraid or ashamed. The Gospel of Christ is the Truth. I don't want to waste my life. God, I don't want to be complacent. I'd much rather be exhausted for the glory of Your name than well-rested for all of my classes & such. Well-slept, I should say. I do want to rest in You. I want to love people, regardless of whether or not we agree. I want my life to revolve around prayer & love & faith & joy & obedience all in the name of Jesus. I want to be accountable to God's commandments & Jesus's life & love. 

*Side note: I will say that I have a great deal of respect for people who keep their opinions to themselves via social media. Especially when they have to do with things that are not going to benefit the Kingdom of God.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Right now, I'm sitting in my computer programming class (supposedly introductory level) not really paying attention to my teacher, and I'm wondering... Why on earth am I here?

The answer seems to be: because this is required for my math degree.

In general the answer seems to be: because I need a degree so I can get a job and work hard for the rest of my life to be successful and be comfortable and be guaranteed financial/job security because that would be easy.

I'm so over this.

That's not to say I'm going to drop out of school because I'm tired of working, but I am saying that I don't want to fall into the complacency of the American Dream, especially if I don't realize it's happening to me. I'm afraid it's going to happen if I don't get it together. And by "it" I mean my relationship with Christ.

I don't care about Computer Science. I like math. I like music. But I don't like them more than the BCM, or more than people, or more than friends. Love should be my life; love is my life. Furthering the Kingdom of God is my goal. So... yeah. Even if I "fail" on earth it's like not even a big deal because the reward for my suffering will be far greater in Heaven. I've been meditating on these verses lately, and I feel they are appropriate and encouraging, even in the midst of being "unsuccessful" in the world's view:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. For though the outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 

So, I'm pressing on, running the race to win the prize that is eternal life in Heaven with Jesus, worshipping Him and being in His presence forever. 

My reward for suffering and persecution for the sake of Christ is being alive forever by the grace of God. Amen.

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