The answer seems to be: because this is required for my math degree.
In general the answer seems to be: because I need a degree so I can get a job and work hard for the rest of my life to be successful and be comfortable and be guaranteed financial/job security because that would be easy.
I'm so over this.
That's not to say I'm going to drop out of school because I'm tired of working, but I am saying that I don't want to fall into the complacency of the American Dream, especially if I don't realize it's happening to me. I'm afraid it's going to happen if I don't get it together. And by "it" I mean my relationship with Christ.
I don't care about Computer Science. I like math. I like music. But I don't like them more than the BCM, or more than people, or more than friends. Love should be my life; love is my life. Furthering the Kingdom of God is my goal. So... yeah. Even if I "fail" on earth it's like not even a big deal because the reward for my suffering will be far greater in Heaven. I've been meditating on these verses lately, and I feel they are appropriate and encouraging, even in the midst of being "unsuccessful" in the world's view:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. For though the outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
So, I'm pressing on, running the race to win the prize that is eternal life in Heaven with Jesus, worshipping Him and being in His presence forever.
My reward for suffering and persecution for the sake of Christ is being alive forever by the grace of God. Amen.
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