Currently: Avoiding School Work

Also I'm listening to NEEDTOBREATHE. I just love them.

Okay so there are weird things happening to me. I have no idea how to express them.

I'm a very... how do you say it... guarded person. Typically speaking, that is. I have this idea (this lie) built up in my head that I'm not actually supposed to burden people with my problems and feelings (which is exactly opposite of the notion I wrote about a few days ago - yesterday? I don't remember.).

I'm currently in a funk. I'm usually really good at hiding my emotions, EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GOT TO MY PIANO LESSON AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. My teacher has some weird power over me that breaks down my walls and makes me vulnerable. Darn you, DTC! (Just kidding, I love you)

Today that happened. Then I realized that I hadn't cried in a long time. Then I realized that I'm typically pretty aware of how I feel and what's going on inside me, but I'm not any more. It's scaring me. My emotions are pouring out of me in weird ways at weird times and in weird places and I can't seem to control it. Could this be God trying to reiterate to me how much I need Him because He is in control and I am NOT?

I usually like to have an idea of how things are going inside me. Granted I don't do much self reflection or anything, so it's a little hard. What's going on? What do I feel? Why do I feel? What is God teaching me? What about God am I resisting? How am I being stubborn? Am I being a good witness to people? Am I obeying God? Am I seeking His wisdom and His will? What is my life? Who are my people? Who does God want to be my people? Am I ignoring Him? Why do I suck at Matthew 6:33? What is wrong with me? What is my brain even doing? Why can't I let people in? Why can't I take anything seriously?

I got to an answer for that last question and I'm gonna roll with it. I'm afraid of being hurt, I think. I think I know the value of emotions and the truth that we are going to suffer this side of heaven, but I don't want to face it. I've been hurt in the past, and grown up with a negative association with emotions and expressing how I feel. It's a hurdle I haven't gotten over yet. My friends are so great, and so encouraging. I encourage them to be real with me, and yet I can't seem to do the same. I try to practice and it is so hard. Ugh I'm in such a weird place.

I am hoping for peace and clarity. I pray that God directs my paths and opens my eyes and heart to see His faithfulness. It's dark in the valley, but I know that He is good.

"From the ends of the earth I will cry to you, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."