I had a really awesome/really rough day yesterday.
I know sounds weird, right? Well I'm weird so it's fine.
Yesterday morning I was super pumped because it was going to be an awesome day. I have 2 music classes and my math tutoring class and I knew that as soon as I was done with my last class that I would get to see one of my greatest, bestest, dearest, most extraordinary friends in the entire world. For the first time in a month.
I already sound pathetic, but I suppose I will continue anyway.
So it happened. It was a beautiful reunion. I hadn't been so happy since school started, and far beyond that.
*Disclaimer - I am not a depressed person, I just tend to be quite content and generally excited about life. "Happy" is a strange word and a strange feeling that only happens on rare occasions.
But yesterday it happened. And I ate frozen yogurt with my best friend. And I talked about life with my best friend. And I shared the joy of Jesus with my best friend. And I got to listen to my best friend.
And so we caught up - briefly. And then it was BIG WEEKEND at the BCM. And I had been looking forward to that for quite a few weeks now. It's just a big ball of crazy awesome Jesus-worshipping and people-loving and it's beautiful. Our speaker was so real and I was captivated by the Gospel yet again.
But you see, last night - around 9:00 - I let my emotions get the best of me. Not so much that I sinned or anything other than my giant amounts of selfishness, but that I was very very sad. A sadness I hadn't felt, probably since the 8th grade. And even then that was just puberty. But this was real life.
I had to say goodbye.
I'm not very good at goodbye's. I'm really good at "see-ya-later"s, because then I can go about acting like things will be normal again and not have to deal with emotions at all (the way I prefer it).
I'm more sad than ever because before, I was more happy than ever. And then it was over.
This is something completely beyond my understanding. I didn't want to be upset, naturally, but then again I knew I was actually facing something for once in my life. It was a goodbye. I mean sure, it's PROBABLY a see-ya-later but come on now, indefinite goodbyes are the worst. I don't think I've cried so much in one day in my life. And it was only like the last 3 hours of it. Ha!
The Holy Spirit has been doing some crazy awesome things in my this semester so far. And in general - like summer leading up to now. I think last night, when I was unbearably sad about saying goodbye, I realized that the reason this one hit me so hard is because of 2 things: 1. I had huge expectations for some awesomesauce quality time and therefore was EXTREMELY happy upon my friend's arrival, and 2. When she told me she had to leave, I actually realized that it wasn't the same - that it wouldn't be the same. She's not in college any more, and I took that for granted last semester. I was saying goodbye to my accountability partner, my sarcastic other half, my mentor, my spiritual role model, and a friend with whom I have shared so much life and grown so much with, only to have to depart again.
I'm basically not sure what to do with my emotions.
But there is joy in Jesus. I'm content with my sadness. THAT'S SO WEIRD, RIGHT?!?
But that is the Gospel of Christ. In Him, I find strength, joy, and peace. Such that far surpasses all earthly understanding. Hence the weirdness.
I'm learning not to forsake my emotions, for they can be useful. But I'm also learning the dangers of being emotionally dependent on people. Because that can tear a person apart. I'm just thankful that I have Jesus walking alongside me, God ruling over me, and the Holy Spirit living inside of me, otherwise I wouldn't know where to turn. But there's a God who is ALWAYS sovereign, ALWAYS loving, ALWAYS good, and ALWAYS looking out for what's best for you to be advancing His Kingdom.
So, happy or sad, I will always rejoice in the Lord. I miss my best friend, but I've got a Savior who never leaves. (:
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