I've been inspired.
By what, you ask?
So much.
I can't exactly pinpoint where this title came from. Well actually, it came from my thought process as I was reading someone's 365 project. I have really weird thought processes.
I'm just so weird (my Twitter even says so).
Being "in tune" always makes me think of music. Usually, anyway. Tonight I was thinking of something different before I realized that the real word I was thinking of was "insightful". Regardless, "in tune" means a lot to me. And here's why:
Musically, yes I do enjoy when things are in tune. I mean who doesn't? Especially people with perfect pitch (and I have a friend...). When I put it in perspective, I'm actually glad that I don't have perfect pitch. Sure, it would help me out a lot in sight singing when Dr. Sipes is critiquing me on my tone, but at the same time I feel as though I would just get really frustrated with pianos that were slightly out of tune, or performers who were better actors than singers, or two instruments both trying to play in concert pitch. You get the idea.
Or maybe you don't. But that's okay, really.
I've been told that I am 'insightful of my own feelings' before, and I think that's what sparked my current state of wanting to write. Granted, I am also avoiding a psychology paper...
I've always thought this to be true, and especially after it was reinforced by my kind friend. But lately, it seems as though I don't know what I'm feeling. All I'm doing is living. Breathing. Breath after breath, as if all I can do is survive.
Wake up. Brush my teeth. Sit. Listen. Take notes. Doze off. Quiz. Rehearsal. Practice. Test. Lesson. Lunch. Fellowship. Bus. Make a bracelet. Drink water. Dinner. Shower. Social network. Walk. Blink. Breathe. Live. Exist. Survive.
I was insightful once upon a time. I think I still could be if I tried. It's just that...
I don't know.
If I were to describe how I was feeling at this very moment in time my first answer would be tired: physically, mentally, emotionally tired. My body wants sleep, my mind and brain want to rest, and my emotions don't even know what to do with themselves.
I have always been very observant of people. Granted, I'm rarely observant of my surroundings, but people is something I'm good at. If I know a person, I can look at them and tell you exactly how they're feeling. If I don't know a person, I get a vibe. I also notice their features (specifically hands and feet--that's just something weird about me).
I used to never want insight into myself, but in the last few years I got some, and my own self-insight has continued growing.
It seems as though in the last 9 weeks I have lost it.
Honestly I think part of it is just pure exhaustion.
The other not-so-good thing about this is that I haven't felt spiritually challenged in months. My spiritual life is at a standstill. My relationship with God is still growing, but only in a very personal way. I haven't fallen away, and I'm not headed in a downward spiral by any means. I'm just standing still, not moving at all, as if I were content exactly where I was with no desire to move forward, step out, see what else lies beyond this point in my life and this journey I'm on with God and my brothers and sisters in Christ.
But I desire all these things. I've just lost the way to acquire them.
At the same time, however, I'm grasping the idea that God is omnipresent. And it's a good thing too, because there is nothing I can do by myself. I used to think I could, and these last 2 months have humbled me greatly in that.
My prayer for tonight is that God will give me physical, mental, emotional, spiritual rest, and wake me refreshed so that I may seek Him to face all the challenges satan throws at me, and reach out into the world to SHINE MY LIGHT.
FAVORITE song of the moment: Therapy by Relient K (of course):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHe5I5nYL-k&feature=related
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Life As A Pianist...
I honestly think the main reason I'm posting this is because I'm avoiding writing my philosophy paper. Nevertheless, I've been contemplating the portion of the life I lead as a pianist as of late...
It's weird: until recently, I haven't really considered it being my "life", but now that I'm having to step it up as a musician, who I am as a person is being forced to mesh with that (not that I mind by any means).
Stress is a big part of it. Lack of sleep. No time to eat. No time to shower (but let's be honest, how often did I really do that before?). Too much to do. Not enough hours in the day. It sounds pretty generic as far as the lifestyle, but being a musician and especially a pianist takes it to a whole new level.
We have to be performers, we have to be accompanists, we have to be collaborators, we have to be coaches, and we have to be prompt, agreeable, on cue, all the time, flexible, available, and meek and mild. We do as we're told.
Well, now, some would disagree.
Although, I like doing what I'm told--I'm very indecisive.
Anyway, in most cases (and in the ever-biased opinion of almost all pianists) the piano-player runs the show. Nothing can happen without it, and everyone else has to follow it. No pressure, right? All the instruments are tuned to the piano, and it's the star of the show. Except that there's little to no appreciation for it in the world outside of a music department or music world. It gets pushed to the background and people either underestimate the capabilities of the piano part itself as well as the person playing it, or make overly generous assumptions based on their ignorance (ie, give us music 3 days before a show, etc.).
That's just me complaining about how under-appreciated we are, and blah blah blah.
Really, it's just hard coping to how much more people expect out of me as a pianist now that I'm studying it at the collegiate level. There's more on my plate, my instructor throws piece after piece at me, the voice teacher does the same so I can "collaborate" with (accompany) her voice student, and now the trumpet instructor is doing the same. I now have to record accompaniment for trumpet, as well as play for a trumpet student's jury (end-of-the-year performance/exam/grade for music majors).
I'm expected to practice a lot. That doesn't happen. I have 20 credit hours because I'm insane, and so when I get time to practice I take it even if it's only 30 minutes--something's better than nothing.
Today I performed pretty poorly in my partner's voice lesson. I feel like I really disappointed the voice teacher because she had us learn a new song that we hadn't practiced until the day before his lesson, and that was the only chance I'd gotten to look at it. She kept saying that it was okay, and we were making progress, and at least we were together, and I play more right notes than she would, but I could tell how frustrated she was that I wasn't more prepared (it kinda sucks because she's giving me a grade too).
Sometimes I let it all get the best of me, and today was one of those days. I hashtag #musicmajorproblems too often, but it's so accurate.
I don't like to make decisions. I like to be told exactly what to do and exactly how to do it, and then do it. I like to do what I'm told. I don't like letting people down. I like doing things right. I don't like making mistakes when it comes to doing things for other people. Apparently I need to get over all of this if I'm ever going to be a good pianist.
Life as a pianist bears a long, hard road and I'm going to walk, run, crawl, trip, roll, and dance my way to the end. But I don't want it to ever end...
Well, I'm still running the race for the goal of THE prize, and fighting that food fight, so that counts for something! And to quote Relient K YET AGAIN: "When the nightmare finally does unfold perspective is a lovely hand to hold."
Goodnight. (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eegDWPtk37c This is the song I'm currently memorizing for applied piano--I just don't play it quite this fast. "Sonata in G" by Mozart.
It's weird: until recently, I haven't really considered it being my "life", but now that I'm having to step it up as a musician, who I am as a person is being forced to mesh with that (not that I mind by any means).
Stress is a big part of it. Lack of sleep. No time to eat. No time to shower (but let's be honest, how often did I really do that before?). Too much to do. Not enough hours in the day. It sounds pretty generic as far as the lifestyle, but being a musician and especially a pianist takes it to a whole new level.
We have to be performers, we have to be accompanists, we have to be collaborators, we have to be coaches, and we have to be prompt, agreeable, on cue, all the time, flexible, available, and meek and mild. We do as we're told.
Well, now, some would disagree.
Although, I like doing what I'm told--I'm very indecisive.
Anyway, in most cases (and in the ever-biased opinion of almost all pianists) the piano-player runs the show. Nothing can happen without it, and everyone else has to follow it. No pressure, right? All the instruments are tuned to the piano, and it's the star of the show. Except that there's little to no appreciation for it in the world outside of a music department or music world. It gets pushed to the background and people either underestimate the capabilities of the piano part itself as well as the person playing it, or make overly generous assumptions based on their ignorance (ie, give us music 3 days before a show, etc.).
That's just me complaining about how under-appreciated we are, and blah blah blah.
Really, it's just hard coping to how much more people expect out of me as a pianist now that I'm studying it at the collegiate level. There's more on my plate, my instructor throws piece after piece at me, the voice teacher does the same so I can "collaborate" with (accompany) her voice student, and now the trumpet instructor is doing the same. I now have to record accompaniment for trumpet, as well as play for a trumpet student's jury (end-of-the-year performance/exam/grade for music majors).
I'm expected to practice a lot. That doesn't happen. I have 20 credit hours because I'm insane, and so when I get time to practice I take it even if it's only 30 minutes--something's better than nothing.
Today I performed pretty poorly in my partner's voice lesson. I feel like I really disappointed the voice teacher because she had us learn a new song that we hadn't practiced until the day before his lesson, and that was the only chance I'd gotten to look at it. She kept saying that it was okay, and we were making progress, and at least we were together, and I play more right notes than she would, but I could tell how frustrated she was that I wasn't more prepared (it kinda sucks because she's giving me a grade too).
Sometimes I let it all get the best of me, and today was one of those days. I hashtag #musicmajorproblems too often, but it's so accurate.
I don't like to make decisions. I like to be told exactly what to do and exactly how to do it, and then do it. I like to do what I'm told. I don't like letting people down. I like doing things right. I don't like making mistakes when it comes to doing things for other people. Apparently I need to get over all of this if I'm ever going to be a good pianist.
Life as a pianist bears a long, hard road and I'm going to walk, run, crawl, trip, roll, and dance my way to the end. But I don't want it to ever end...
Well, I'm still running the race for the goal of THE prize, and fighting that food fight, so that counts for something! And to quote Relient K YET AGAIN: "When the nightmare finally does unfold perspective is a lovely hand to hold."
Goodnight. (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eegDWPtk37c This is the song I'm currently memorizing for applied piano--I just don't play it quite this fast. "Sonata in G" by Mozart.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Forget And Not Slow Down
Relient K. Again. What a surprise. They're just so good; what can I say?
Well, today I was listening to their song called "Forget And Not Slow Down" while I was attempting to master Unit 6 of Vector Geometry (which went just about as well as it sounds to the common ear), and the lyrics struck me:
"I'd rather forget and not slow down than gather regret for the things that I can change now. And if I become what I can't accept then resurrect the saint from within the wretch."
And I was like, hmmm, maybe that does make sense.
I have been beyond stressed out about everything: about my school work, am I going to get it done, am I going to get a good grade (the answer usually being no), am I going to wake up in time to get coffee, do I have something due tomorrow?, what was I supposed to practice, when are my math tests, what chapter are we even on?, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
Needless to say, college has been kicking my butt, and I am looking forward to the end of the semester when I don't feel a sudden overwhelming sense of panic sweep over me and take control of my very being every time I think about how much school work I have to do.
It's just a little ridiculous.
And I know: time management; don't stress out; get help; focus; discipline; schedule.
I just feel like it's taking me way too long to get into a routine of any sort other than waking up, getting coffee, and going to my 8 a.m. classes. I keep freaking out, and crying, and throwing my pens at the wall (it was sick: it hit the wall, then rebounded off the door, and THEN hit the floor. Now my arm hurts.). I keep feeling like I just can't take it any more, and it's a really scary feeling. There's so much to do, and I can't keep track of it all, and that alone stresses me out even more! What is one to do?
Well, I've at least come to a realization: Everything has a due date. After that due date, I can follow Matt Thiessen's advice and 'forget and not slow down' because once it's done it's done, and there's nothing more I can do about it.
Granted, I want to do my absolute very best to bring honor and glory to God and not half-crap everything, but if I try and don't quite meet the worldly standard, I can still find a way to praise God. I will admit that this whole stress thing sucks while it's happening, and thinking about it after it's over is even worse, but God's got a plan, and He will be the one to redeem my sorry excuse for a person and bring me out of this mess.
So, here's to letting go, and giving it all to God.
1 Peter 5:7
Song of the Moment is obviously going to be this one... "Forget And Not Slow Down" by Relient K: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crMvz0Nv_HY&feature=related*
*I don't actually know if this link works, but if I find out otherwise I'll fix it and post a new one. Please enjoy the awesomeness that IS Relient K.
Well, today I was listening to their song called "Forget And Not Slow Down" while I was attempting to master Unit 6 of Vector Geometry (which went just about as well as it sounds to the common ear), and the lyrics struck me:
"I'd rather forget and not slow down than gather regret for the things that I can change now. And if I become what I can't accept then resurrect the saint from within the wretch."
And I was like, hmmm, maybe that does make sense.
I have been beyond stressed out about everything: about my school work, am I going to get it done, am I going to get a good grade (the answer usually being no), am I going to wake up in time to get coffee, do I have something due tomorrow?, what was I supposed to practice, when are my math tests, what chapter are we even on?, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
Needless to say, college has been kicking my butt, and I am looking forward to the end of the semester when I don't feel a sudden overwhelming sense of panic sweep over me and take control of my very being every time I think about how much school work I have to do.
It's just a little ridiculous.
And I know: time management; don't stress out; get help; focus; discipline; schedule.
I just feel like it's taking me way too long to get into a routine of any sort other than waking up, getting coffee, and going to my 8 a.m. classes. I keep freaking out, and crying, and throwing my pens at the wall (it was sick: it hit the wall, then rebounded off the door, and THEN hit the floor. Now my arm hurts.). I keep feeling like I just can't take it any more, and it's a really scary feeling. There's so much to do, and I can't keep track of it all, and that alone stresses me out even more! What is one to do?
Well, I've at least come to a realization: Everything has a due date. After that due date, I can follow Matt Thiessen's advice and 'forget and not slow down' because once it's done it's done, and there's nothing more I can do about it.
Granted, I want to do my absolute very best to bring honor and glory to God and not half-crap everything, but if I try and don't quite meet the worldly standard, I can still find a way to praise God. I will admit that this whole stress thing sucks while it's happening, and thinking about it after it's over is even worse, but God's got a plan, and He will be the one to redeem my sorry excuse for a person and bring me out of this mess.
So, here's to letting go, and giving it all to God.
1 Peter 5:7
Song of the Moment is obviously going to be this one... "Forget And Not Slow Down" by Relient K: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crMvz0Nv_HY&feature=related*
*I don't actually know if this link works, but if I find out otherwise I'll fix it and post a new one. Please enjoy the awesomeness that IS Relient K.
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