Process

Wow. 

It's 2015. The year of my college graduation. The year I start grad school. The year of "lasts" and "see-you-later's". 

And in 2014, so much changed. 

It's pretty funny to look back at my first post on this blog, which I wrote the year I graduated from high school. I liked that version of me for a while, but I'm really glad she grew up a little and learned a few things. 

This has been a "growing" year. This has been a challenging year - more so than any other. I gained friends, lost friends, spiraled out of control, put my worth in futile things, trusted God more, questioned God, walked with friends who doubted all of existence including God and walked away from faith, walked away from faith a few times myself, and experienced unparalleled, overwhelming anxiety in the midst of it all. 

But,

I learned things. I grew up a little bit. And even though the aforementioned scenarios all completely sucked, the wisdom and experience that came of them creates a positive net gain. So as glad as I am to see 2014 go - and stay really really far behind me - it wasn't all bad. 

I don't think I have time to go into all the details; that would take approximately forever. So to get to the point of all of this: I learned to love the Process. 

Well, what does that mean? 

You may have noticed if you exist in the context of western culture that we as a society are very goal and product oriented. Everything is about the "next" thing; bigger, better, more, blah blah blah... Yet rarely does anything end in fulfillment in this lifestyle. Not to mention, when we focus on the end result with such fervor, we have a greater tendency to compromise and try to justify the means, which can mean any number of things: dignity, ethics, happiness, honesty, loved ones, and the list could go on for a while. 

I've realized that to live in this world of "End Result Only" is to only place worth and value on a very few small and sporadic moments. This is not something I'm interested in. That's not the kind of life I want to live. 

I believe in the inherent value of each human life. I believe every person has worth based on nothing other than pure humanity. For this reason, I have no desire to live in a world where I'm defined solely by my End Results and accomplishments and arbitrary milestones. No one else should have to either. 

Now don't get me wrong; if you accomplish something big: CELEBRATE IT! You deserve to celebrate success! This past semester I presented my "Junior" Recital for piano where I had to play about 40 minutes of solo music, almost all memorized, and let me tell you: I was TERRIFIED. I was so so nervous. It was a big deal; it was an end result, a goal I was working toward. There was a lot of weight on this one event. So many of my friends and family came to support me and listen as I performed my heart out, and afterward I was celebrated - it felt really good! I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

But,

I worked my butt off essentially for the last 3 and a half years to get to that point. That work was not in vain; it was not solely for that one recital. It was actually through music that I learned how to begin enjoying the Process that is Life. It's about having big goals and big dreams, and setting smaller goals that are stepping stones, and analyzing (and enjoying!) mistakes and failures knowing that you're closer than you were before you messed up - you're doing something. 

Problem-solving and creativity work in this vein: the route you take to get where you're going becomes much more meaningful than the destination. That may not be super clear or practical, but that's what I've learned this year. 

I have learned to ask questions. I have learned to critically evaluate my own beliefs; why do I think/feel/believe what I do? How did I get here? What have I assume and taken for granted and never truly questioned? This happened with God, Jesus, religion, church, faith. The more I learn, the less I know. This is beautiful to me. 

The Katie that started this blog after high school graduation was born and raised in an evangelical "Christian Culture", and she clung to that for hope. The Katie that is writing today no long ascribes to some implied social construct that dictates how and what I believe. But God is the same: yesterday, today, and forever. To think that somehow I know all of the answers to anything is insane. What human has the power to know absoluteness? I believe the answer is: None. So I'm contented and convicted and committed to learning for the rest of my life. I will ask questions. I will be okay with not having all the answers. I will hear from other people. I will listen to every possible perspective and background; every human is worth being heard. I will love people as my highest call from God with the love He first showed us all. 

You could say I'm "liberal" or "crazy" or "blasphemous" or whatever you want. Those things might all be true. But until I know for sure, I'm just going to try to trust and love God, love people, and always enjoy the Process until the very end. 

Happy New Year.

Compassion

Oh hey look I still have a blog. Weird.

I feel very blog-y lately, probably because I had to start blogging for class. Also, I feel okay bearing part of my soul on this type of page because it's slightly more organized instead of partial thoughts being scattered throughout notebooks, word documents, phone memos, iPad notes, etc. Plus since no one REALLY pays attention, I figured what the heck?

So I've decided that it's okay to be sad for people. I mean we're called to mourn with those who mourn, right?

So, what if we're mourning for someone who isn't mourning? Are we happy for them even if it's for something we would be sad for? Am I being vague? Good.

I'm a very overly compassionate person. My super snarky outer shell doesn't always give me away, but it's true. I feel very deeply and very passionately and very much for people.

What happens when compassion gets out of hand? What happens when you try to fix people? What happens when you try to solve problems that aren't yours to solve? What happens when you start trying to do God's job for Him? Do you know the answer?

Well, I do.

You fail.

You fail because you are not God. I cannot save anyone. I cannot fix anyone or anything. It is not my responsibility to convince people of something that can't be perceived by mere logic. I just can't.

So what can I do? Well, I can still love people. But what does that even look like?

Every time I ask myself this question I go back to 1 Corinthians 13: patient, kind, not envying, not boastful, humble, does not dishonor, selfless, even-tempered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

I'm here to tell you that I suck at this. I don't like to wait, I'm easily angered, I hold grudges, and I'm proud.

One of the most painful things I have experienced is someone I love so dearly turning from God. I guess you could say I've taken it personally. It's devastating to know the most powerful and wonderful hope and love, and watch as your loved one gets lost in confusion and doesn't want to believe that a hope like this could be real.

So what's compassion both for a person's expressed struggles and pain, and for the implicit things like not having hope look like? Heck if I know. But I'm trudging full speed ahead through the craziness of discovering what it looks like to love like Jesus every day. I know I'll never learn everything there is to know, but I'm confident that the One who knows it all lives in me and shows me His grace every day, and that's good enough for me.

I will always have compassion, and I will try to go where God leads.

This is all very random, but sorry not sorry.

Draw Near to God

Upon reading James 4:6-10 (for like the billionth time) it has never made more sense to me than it does right now.

I'm letting my laughter turn to mourning, my joy into gloom, in order to humble myself to the Lord. My pride tells me to keep up the facade of happiness all the time, but God is wrecking that. I am so grateful.

I've been trying to make sense of the funk I'm in, and I'm learning to continue drawing near to God and resist the devil. Satan is at work, but God is stronger. I have to rest in Him. I can't do anything on my own.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."

Jesus. Lord, I need You - every hour I need You.

"Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up."

Currently: Avoiding School Work

Also I'm listening to NEEDTOBREATHE. I just love them.

Okay so there are weird things happening to me. I have no idea how to express them.

I'm a very... how do you say it... guarded person. Typically speaking, that is. I have this idea (this lie) built up in my head that I'm not actually supposed to burden people with my problems and feelings (which is exactly opposite of the notion I wrote about a few days ago - yesterday? I don't remember.).

I'm currently in a funk. I'm usually really good at hiding my emotions, EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GOT TO MY PIANO LESSON AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. My teacher has some weird power over me that breaks down my walls and makes me vulnerable. Darn you, DTC! (Just kidding, I love you)

Today that happened. Then I realized that I hadn't cried in a long time. Then I realized that I'm typically pretty aware of how I feel and what's going on inside me, but I'm not any more. It's scaring me. My emotions are pouring out of me in weird ways at weird times and in weird places and I can't seem to control it. Could this be God trying to reiterate to me how much I need Him because He is in control and I am NOT?

I usually like to have an idea of how things are going inside me. Granted I don't do much self reflection or anything, so it's a little hard. What's going on? What do I feel? Why do I feel? What is God teaching me? What about God am I resisting? How am I being stubborn? Am I being a good witness to people? Am I obeying God? Am I seeking His wisdom and His will? What is my life? Who are my people? Who does God want to be my people? Am I ignoring Him? Why do I suck at Matthew 6:33? What is wrong with me? What is my brain even doing? Why can't I let people in? Why can't I take anything seriously?

I got to an answer for that last question and I'm gonna roll with it. I'm afraid of being hurt, I think. I think I know the value of emotions and the truth that we are going to suffer this side of heaven, but I don't want to face it. I've been hurt in the past, and grown up with a negative association with emotions and expressing how I feel. It's a hurdle I haven't gotten over yet. My friends are so great, and so encouraging. I encourage them to be real with me, and yet I can't seem to do the same. I try to practice and it is so hard. Ugh I'm in such a weird place.

I am hoping for peace and clarity. I pray that God directs my paths and opens my eyes and heart to see His faithfulness. It's dark in the valley, but I know that He is good.

"From the ends of the earth I will cry to you, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."

Thoughts, Questions, and Ramblings on Life & the Christian Community

These thoughts originated from spending a lot of time with a friend of mine who is particularly guarded about basically everything. Because of that, I don't really know her as well as I thought I did, and long for a deeper connection because of it. Also, a talk given at the retreat I went to this weekend was on inclusion and understanding that each human is equally human. We are all called children of God and He loves us. They two kind of tie together, though I did a poor job of explaining it. However, these are just some questions/ideas/thoughts I began to write down yesterday, and here we are. I pray God will reveal Himself through this and give you (and me) wisdom. 

We believe the lie that no one cares about us unless somehow they are getting something in return. This simply isn't true. And yet how do we, as disciples of Christ, create a counterculture of selfless love? The Gospel we preach is inclusive. We believe that Jesus was radical because He hung out with the "unclean" in order for us to understand that He doesn't call us to judge who is unclean and who is not. It's the story of Cornelius and Peter in Acts 10 - give it a read.

Sort of a tangent. Sorry.

The point is, what will it look like for our generation of Jesus-lovers to combat the "me" generation we live in with the lasting truth of the selfless, mercy-loving Gospel? If we really are living in the name of Jesus, then we must be living to love His people. And we are all called the children of God.

What if we (I, you) made the decision to take responsibility for the state of your Christian community? I don't have very precise answers, really, but I'm praying to God for wisdom to discern how to act. It's hard, scary, overwhelming, and probably awkward. But it takes faith that with God all things are possible.

I care about people. I love relationships and I value them - they have worth. Relationships are hard. If you don't think so, you're wrong, delusional, or in an unhealthy relationship, or perhaps in none (which is doubtful).

Who decided that emotions were weaknesses? Who said you're a wimp if you ever cry? Who said weakness is even a bad thing? But rather, "most gladly I will boast in my infirmities, that the power of God may rest upon me." (2 Cor. 12:19)

I think it's about time we plunge into the waters of getting real, and continue finding the balance between that and guarding our hearts.

Let's break down the walls and be willing to bear one another's burdens.

James 5:16 says this:

"Confess your sings to one another & pray for one another that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."

My prayer is that God would being to grow real, authentic, genuine relationships among Christians, and that we will begin to see each other as equally sinful, wretched, weak, small human beings, who by the grace of God are able to be so much more through the power of Christ in whom we find our identity.

Amen.

Acts 17 & Eagle Eyrie

Tonight in my Bible study we talked about Acts 17 - the differences in how the Gospel message was received in Thessalonica, Berea, and Athens - and what it looks like for us to share Jesus with people in our culture today. We found that we were a lot like Athens in that people like to "talk the talk" and entertain everyone's idea all day long, but rarely do we see many people firmly stand up for any particular thing, because our society is all about being politically correct and not hurting anybody's feelings.

So, what does it look like for us to share our faith in our world? Well, it looks like we're going to have to offend some people. OH NO! But wait... Jesus definitely offended His fair share of people - religious leaders, even - and His message was clear: "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father except through me." We need a Savior, and most people are offended by that. We are in the midst of the "Me" generation (and by 'we' I mean the 20/30 somethings and younger) and we want to think we can do everything on our own. We don't need anyone's help, and if you show even the slightest hint of weakness, you're considered less of a person.

Well, I'm here to tell you that the Gospel is going to hurt the pride of all of us who think that way. We are not good people. It is in our nature to sin and do bad things and only look after ourselves. Paradoxically, it is also in our nature to be drawn to and seek community. Hmm...

The truth is, we need someone to save us. We need someone to care for us, to give us strength, to love us unconditionally, to accept us for everything we are (and everything we're not), to forgive us in abundance, and to extend everlasting grace for everlasting life. This is the tragedy of our humanly finite situation.

BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Jesus is all those things we need. God is sovereign above all our hopes and dreams and best laid plans. Praise Him! The hardest part about sharing this with others is that they don't think they need it. Who doesn't need Hope? We are in desperate need of it. We are battling the constant forces of pride that reside in us all. But God is bigger, stronger, more powerful that it all. Praise!

On that note, I'm going away on a retreat this weekend to spend lots of time with God, in community with people who love Jesus, and refocusing my heart and mind on this Gospel Truth. I can't wait to share what I take away, and I pray that God is glorified in our gathering this weekend.

Thanks be to God!

1 Corinthians 1 (part 3)

I want to let the Scripture do most of the talking tonight. It's really beautiful.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31
"For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are migthty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God--and righteousness and sanctification and redemption--that, as it is written, 'He who glories, let him glory in the Lord.'"

Dude. This gives me so much hope - hope in the fact that God will use me for His glory despite the fact that I am not worthy, not good enough, can't do anything on my own. Not that just that He will use me, but He will use me because I am weak but trust in Him. His strength is perfected in my weakness because I am humbling myself to Him and not boasting in my own abilities.

It takes me back to the book of Judges which we studied at the BCM for part of last semester. Each judge we encountered was weak, doubted God, failed, stumbled, and yet God used them to bring salvation to the Israelites. The parallel, of course, was that one day God would send The Judge to redeem the sins of all people so that there was no other name by which anyone could be saved. This man, Jesus Christ, was perfect and yet was humbled to a sinner's death. That humility that was modeled for us by the only being worthy of boasting in Himself, therefore who are we to say we are mighty in ourselves?

God is humbling me daily, and blowing my mind all the time. Be encouraged, that we never grow where we're comfortable, and God will use those who humbly seek Him and yearn to glorify Him.

1 Corinthians 1 Part 2

Tonight I focused on 1 Corinthians 1:10-25 - totally blew my mind, regardless of the fact that I've read several times.

It brings up an interesting point about denominations in my mind. It's not that they're a bad thing, but Paul is saying that divisions within a church body are bad. Instead, we're supposed to come together as an entire body of Christ when it comes to defending the big things (or the one thing) that we all agree on, namely, that Jesus Christ is Lord and the only way to the Father is through Him. The secondary stuff comes into play when you're identifying with denominations, but that's not the point of this passage.

I love the idea of joining together with other believers from different backgrounds of faith and culture to unite in the love of Christ. At the church I worked at this summer, every service was ended by singing a song called "The Bond of Love" that said, "We are one in the bond of love; we are one in the bond of love; we have joined our spirit with the Spirit of God; we are one in the bond of love." I think it embodies this idea that Paul is talking about perfectly. Why quarrel over things that are not doing productive things to further the Gospel and show grace and love and mercy to people in the name of Jesus?

The next section is AWESOME and I love it. It's about the wisdom of men versus the wisdom of God. I just need to write out verse 18 for you - "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." HOW INCREDIBLE IS THAT? We have this power given to us by God because we believe in Jesus' death and resurrection and His ability to save us from ourselves and give us eternal life. But to other people that makes NO SENSE. The next part of this passage, verses 19-25 explain that we truly know nothing compared to the omniscience of God the Father. The only true wisdom we have is given to us by the Holy Spirit, and is inspired by Scripture and gained from a relationship with Jesus. The things the world knows are foolish.

This is mind-blowing to me. It's crazy that in a world where education is valued so highly and intellect is necessary to be successful or to not be looked down upon, that really all those things are foolish when you think of the majesty of God and the depths to which He knows everything, including each of our hearts. Worldly intellect will try to tell us that we don't need a Savior, that this world makes sense without a higher power, i.e. God, and that anything we have the ability to do is because we worked for it and we can make it on our own. That is all false! We need a Savior because we are so wretched and sinful. We need grace every single day, especially when we get prideful about the things we know. If there's one thing I do know, it's that there's no way I can make it on my own. I don't know how other people do it - people who don't know the Hope of Christ and can find joy in salvation. How do people think they can handle it all? On a more general level, how does anyone expect to try and do things without people helping them or supporting them or encouraging them? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Anyway. I was thinking about wisdom while I was taking a shower before I read this, so it's cool that I ran into this tonight. If I ever boast, it will only be in my weaknesses and the power of the cross. Any wisdom you hear from me was given to me by God. In my weakness He is made stronger. Praise be to God!

An Introduction to a Personal Bible Study - 1 Corinthians

I've been extremely flaky in my quiet times.

I figured I should be pretty honest about that from the get-go.

But I've been semi-reading through 1 Corinthians over the last week or so, and I wanted to actually READ it. So basically, critical reading, analytical thinking, practical application based understanding.

I'm just going to start over from the beginning of 1 Corinthians.

I'm also in the middle of Acts and Daniel as parts of series the BCM is currently doing. Acts is what we are studying in family group Bible studies, one of which I lead once a week, and Daniel is what we are hearing about at 6:33 - our large group weekly worship gathering. So I may from time to time throw in snippets from those two books.

Hear me out - if you want to learn alongside me, I am ecstatic. Just know that I do this for myself, so not everything I say is probably going to make sense. Also I don't follow through very well, so who knows how long this is going to last...

That being said, I'm ready to dive into 1 Corinthians chapter 1.

Divisions in the Church Condemned

v. 1-3
In the first few verses, I like that Paul is already putting emphasis on the importance of unity in Christ - that Jesus Christ died for all people, and all who will believe in Him have eternal, and because of that we (believers of that) have a love for Christ in common. 

v. 4-9
This is such a cool mini Gospel in a few short verses. It tells the story of God's grace, the fact that each of our lives are a testament to God's grace and well all have an important story to share; community is essential in growth as a believer, and endurance to keep the faith will glorify God so much.

Tangent: this reminds me of what we talked about studying Acts 17 tonight. How do our lives look different as Christians, in a culture that is so nonchalant about everything? How do our actions show that we are trustworthy and set us apart - make us holy? I think endurance is a huge part of that, and something I struggle with. I get burnt out too easily, because I don't commit to the hard parts of life as well as the initial easy/ glamorous parts. But doing a job well, when asked, without grumbling or complaining, to the best of my ability, will be a way that the world looks at me and sees something different. That's what I'm striving for in order to share the Hope I have in Christ with people. 

I think I'll stop here and pick up later. Until then...

Weird Things Are A-Brewin'

Okay so apparently I haven't posted since June. AWKWARD. I'm sorry. To myself mostly because I'm the only one who cares about what I have to say. So, this post is actually for myself because I want to look back on it and remember.

Reason I say things are weird is because I'm 20, and last night I went to the Ring Premiere to see the unveiling of my COLLEGE class ring. Because I'm a junior. And graduating in 2015 (theoretically). So I feel strange because this article actually applies to me. Which is why I'm sharing. I'm sure anyone of any age will be able to get something out of it, but it is explicitly written for "20-somethings".

So read, and enjoy. :)

"20 things every 20-something should know how to do"

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I had a thought just a minute ago about people.

We are competitive by nature. It can be good. It can also be very destructive and horrid.

There's a bad habit of comparing people to other people. As if, somehow, one is better than the other.

Don't hear me wrong - I think sometimes healthy competition is good. If you have the right heart about it, it's a way to celebrate one's accomplishments - demonstrating their work, worth, discipline, and dedication - and can also be very humbling causing one to realize that they are indeed not the center of the universe and that every human being on the planet for the entire history of existence MESSES UP AND IS NOT PERFECT. Winning is good. Losing is good. All things (I will say, most things) have the potential to be good if they are done with grace, thanksgiving, a pure heart, a sound mind, love, mercy.

All that to say, I think it's important to be the "best 'you' you can be". What does that mean? I don't really know. I desire to live a life "worthy of the calling with which [I was] called" (Ephesians 4:1). To me that requires striving to look more like Christ, and that requires improving the way I act, think, speak, love to try my best to accomplish these things. If I'm trying my best, I am content. God is always good, perfect, loving, fair, sovereign, abounding in love and grace, and doesn't change. I falter and am weak, inconsistent, flawed, human. God still loves me and requires my all. I want Him to have it.

Even if those around me are not striving toward this same goal, I need to remind myself, and them as well, that if I'm giving my best, and they're giving their best, there isn't a need to compare and compete in that. No one's "best" is "better" in the Kingdom of God. We are all His children and loved equally by Him, because He has the capability to love perfectly and completely, unlike we do. We are in part, He is complete. We can be complete in Him.

That was definitely a rant, but I needed to get that out of my brain. Comparison is the thief of Joy.

Brothers and sisters, be content with RIGHT NOW. Strive to better yourself in the name of Christ for the glory and honor of God, but live with an attitude of thanksgiving, servitude, humility, and peace for where you are in this very moment. And this moment. And this one.

To Him be the eternal glory, Amen!

&

You will be called Blessed

I need not expect; I need only to pray, to trust God, and to live.

God is so good. He is sovereign, and I have to remind myself of that frequently. There are times where my plans and ideas just so happen to fall in line with His ("Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4) but I'm reminded again and again that God's name is to be praised in the highest, given all glory and honor, regardless of what I go through or any unfortunate shenanigans that occur.

And oldie but a goodie, the song "Blessed Be Your Name" still speaks to me. Mostly the two verses:

"Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful;

where your streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place;

though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me;

when the world's all as it should be, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering;

though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name."

That everything in this life is a blessing when your faith is in Christ is something I believe. Since He works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), we can rest assured that by continuing to put our faith in Him and trying to live a life worthy of our calling (Ephesians 4:1) we will be blessed. We will be called the sons and daughters of God. 

He is able to do immeasurably more than we will ever be able to understand or even ask for. That is why I have full confidence that the things that happen in my life will be according to God's plan. I only pray that I live humbly so as to leave a legacy of Christ and not of myself. 

A recent occurrence in my life has shown me that prayer and supplication are effective, and that God is faithful. Something I once desired selfishly, but now desire to the glory of God, was denied to me when I sought it for my own purposes. But when I gave it over to God and trust Him, praying about it fervently, my prayers were answered unexpectedly and where I wasn't expecting. The details aren't important (yet), but I pray that you, friends, can be encouraged that God is working everywhere, in everything, through everyone who believes in Him and even those who don't. The Holy Spirit is mysterious and wonderful. 

I praise God on high for His marvelous works, and for the very nature of His being. His love for me is astounding, and I cannot comprehend His grace. I am humbled by the mercy He has shown by making the ultimate sacrifice of His only son. That is truly beyond my understanding. And I love it. 

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. 

&

The Funny Thing About Kids

I just think kids are the neatest. I'm obsessed with kids, and though I know of several who do NOT share my sentiments in the slightest, and if I could spend all day with them I would.

Babysitting has always been one of my favorite things to do, as far as making money. It was my first "real job" at the age of 13, and I never really stopped doing it. There are so many interesting things that go into it, and no kid or family or house is ever the same.

But you knew that.

They're so cool, though. One of my favorite kids is named Emma. She's 7 going on about 25. She's brilliant and I love it. But she's still a kid, ya know? Obviously, she's in elementary school, but she's at an age where she has a VERY defined personality, and it never ceases to blow me away. I've spent so much time with her that I hardly feel like the babysitter any more. I feel more like her sister or something. I even adore her parents.

What has recently struck me, though, is that kids at the age of like 4 or 5 to about 8 or 9 can be pretty skeptical about new people. When they first meet you, they're super shy and awkward because they don't know you and they're trying to do 2 things: they want to see how interactive you get with them, and they want to test you to see how much they can get away with. It's a simple fact of life.

So sometimes they won't talk. And even though they have to get used to you, you have to get used to them. But man once you do, they have some of the funniest things to say, and some of the most interesting insights you'll ever hear. Because they have a very limited filter and have only just begun to develop social skills.

This girl can talk my ear off about "highly intellectual" things (which in all honesty I have no clue about sometimes), and then go straight from that to being incredibly silly and laughing her head off, and then to being sweet as she can be, all the way back to running around being crazy again!

Tonight I got the chance to babysit two kids whose parents I'd never met before, but they were in my Campus Minister's small group, so I figured they'd be nice, and of course they were. Their kids were 3 years old and I think 11 months or so. THEY WERE PRECIOUS. I was with them for a short amount of time, but I got play with trains with the 3-year-old boy who could talk forever if I'd let him. He seemed pretty emotionally stable for a child, although that was probably just the day. And then the little girl - good grief she was all over the place! In the cutest way possible, all she wanted to do was CRAWL and never stop! She was so smiley and kept clapping which was adorable. She did have a tendency to get into everything, though, and when she got in it she would put whatever it was in her mouth. Including my hair. And necklace. And glasses. BUT SHE WAS SO CUTE (and I didn't have to change her diaper, which is always a plus). No tears, no injuries, no tantrums, no dirty diapers - I am a happy babysitter!

One of my favorite things about watching kids is that everything they do is unexpected. You have to be on your toes, and HIGHLY caffeinated (which I was, luckily). It's the one area in my life where I'm not lazy (because I CAN'T be!). Every age of kid is something different, and it's so much fun for me to figure out those different stages of life, meet them there, and roll with it. In the last week I've interacted with crawling babies, semi-talking toddlers, significantly more worded toddlers, elementary school kids, and middle schoolers (not to mention those crazy college kids). It's a blast. I almost feel as though I should rethink my career path... Alas, I do still want to teach middle school math.

I just think kids are hilarious. They require a lot of attention and energy, but we have SO much to learn from them.

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Reading Between the Lines

I think that title is clever.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot recently about people. I've always liked to psychoanalyze people (including myself) because I like to be able to know what's going on with them. I like figuring things out - this includes people, naturally. I've always been pretty good at noticing things about people, like when they're hiding something. More specifically when they're hiding their emotions. I'm decent at reading people. It's a fun game for me!

Of course on the other hand, I've been psychoanalyzing myself since I was about 14. A lot goes through my head at once, and since I forget to write things down, I just keep thinking more and more until, well, I've thunk myself in a circle.

With all of this, I was thinking about the beauty of people - God's greatest creation. Don't believe me? Read up on Genesis for yourself, and then try and tell me that God didn't value His creation of us over all the other things! He did save the best for last, because we were the ones made in His image - made for an intimate relationship with Him. People are beautiful.

I came across an article and video from Dove about beauty today. And how we're really hard on ourselves, whereas others tend to see the best in us when it's solely based on our appearance. Perception plays a huge part in what we define as beauty.

Here's the thing: yeah I've had moments of self-consciousness, but I've never truly struggled with having a negative body image. Like most girls, I do have my days, but in the end I never let those very temporary feelings of physical inadequacy drive my decisions or actions.

I love knowing that everything beautiful has the potential to reflect God's beauty. This, again, depends on perception I think. I can look at a really pretty landscape painting, and marvel at how beautifully it captures the vastness and mystery of God's creation, whereas another viewer may simply look at it with no regard to our Creator. From my point of view, everything beautiful brings God glory. Every human IS beautiful, and has the potential to bring God glory. Which is so, so cool!

Anyway, I was looking at someone's face on Facebook today (I know, weird right?!) and it was someone I didn't know - a friend-of-a-friend. She made a comment to another friend of mine who has her 40th birthday this week (or what I like to call her second 20th birthday). She said, "I would love to be 40 again... You should stretch it out! It's a GOOD decade!" Which I thought was interesting. Then I went to her page to see what she looked like (because I'm easily side-tracked). I would assume she's in her late 50's/60's. And I was looking at this picture of her, and I mean yeah certain facial and other physical features tend to give away our ages, but I saw another picture of her...

In this picture, I looked at it and had a pretty easy time telling her age (ish). But what really struck me were her eyes. They honestly looked as though they hadn't aged since she was 18. I covered up the rest of her face with my hand on the screen, and what I saw were beautiful eyes that looked as energetic and alive as I'm sure they've ever been - as if by looking into her very being, she were still young at heart.

This sounds pretty cliche, but I think it's cool. We can really be so critical, especially when we use our stage of life as an excuse as to why we look a certain way. But if we learn how to read between the lines - the wrinkles, the dark circles, the gray, the weight - I think that's when we can accept that our true beauty does in fact come from within, and when we embrace that and let it, it shines through to our outsides as well.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm fascinated with all stages of life. They're all beautiful! So stop coming up with excuses as to why you don't measure up, and quit comparing yourself to others who just happen to have different insecurities than you! You are fearfully and wonderfully made, from the inside out, by an Almighty God who loves you more than you will EVER be able to grasp or know.

"So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. 

Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.” 

Then God said, “Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food. And I have given every green plant as food for all the wild animals, the birds in the sky, and the small animals that scurry along the ground—everything that has life.” And that is what happened. 

Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day."

Genesis 1:27-31

Here's My Heart, Lord

This weekend I had the opportunity to travel "home" to chaperone a Disciple NOW youth retreat at my church, and also get the chance to lead worship through music with the band. It never fails that a message meant for middle/high schoolers hits home with me more than anything. I always go in expecting to teach, but come out learning more than I thought was possible. This weekend we reflected on what it meant to Pause and rest in Christ. That rest is not mindless activities in front of our many screens, but that true REST was an active participation in a real and growing relationship with Christ, cultivated by persistence and consistence in prayer, reading and applying Scripture, and being in community and outreach with other believers.

I feel myself breaking. I'm weak. But I boast in my weakness because I know that in my weakness HE IS stronger. I am humbled and unworthy. I need God's never-ending grace.

This song was our anthem.

Here's My Heart Lord - David Crowder, Passion 2013

Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Speak what is true.

'Cause I am found. I am Yours.
I am loved. I'm made pure.
I have life. I can breathe.
I am healed. I am free.

Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Speak what is true.

'Cause You are strong. You are sure.
You are life. You endure.
You are good, always true.
You are light breaking through.

Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Speak what is true.

You are more than enough.
You are here. You are love.
You are hope. You are grace.
You're all I have. You're everything.

Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Here's my heart, Lord.
Speak what is true.
Speak what is true.
Speak what is true.

Life's Good

I'm going to write soon. Really this time. Not that anyone really cares. Haha. But it'll happen. Stay tuned!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has set eternity on their hearts except that no one can know what God does from beginning to end."
Ecclesiastes 3:11

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I Have Not Disappeared

This is a blog post as information that I have not, in fact, disappeared, only been lacking in time and things to say and ways to arrange and organize my thoughts into writing. Hopefully that will change soon. Be on the look out for my ramblings very soon.

Also, I would like the world to know that Travis Whaley is an awesome individual.

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Perusings of the Weekend

Well. This has been an awful weekend. And I hate complaining, so that's why I do it here, so only 6 people have to hear. (:

I've been doing Proofs all weekend. I've been lazy, though, and haven't been able to complete a single assignment. I turned pages for a concert last night, and again for one this afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I love doing that. I just hate never having time to do anything.

I'm also getting sick and have way too much to do to be getting sick.

Whatever. I'm also missing my best friend. I feel pretty lonely. This is a season of growth for me. I know that God wants me to be satisfied only in Him, but He also designed us for community with one another. However, there is a fine line especially in my human brain. So I'm struggling. But God is good and faithful, so it'll be okay.

I'm also just kind of frustrated with the current state of my brain.

I love college. I love music. I like math. I want to teach. I want to tell people about Jesus. I want to keep being friends with all my friends. I'm kind of being a pessimist, but I'm really trying not to be! I'm thinking ahead way too much but it just seems like everything is moving so so so fast! This is my last semester that I'm taking more music classes than math classes, and it's so much fun. Except my one math class that isn't even math (proofs/logic) is taking up ALL MY TIME so I can't do anything else and have no time to practice piano. I seriously hate it.

I especially hate that once I graduate in less than 5 semesters, I won't be doing music so much any more. I'm sad because I really love it. And soon it'll be over.

What's the most unfortunate I think is my friends. I had this random thought today that I'm really going to miss page-turning for Erica when I graduate. And I'm really going to miss DTC and her incredible combination of musical and spiritual knowledge and wisdom. Because I know this is a season, I'm having a hard time just enjoying it instead of looking to the future. It basically sucks. I'm also going to miss everyone in my studio when they're all playing piano in grad school and I'm teaching math.

What am I doing? I feel like I'm not really making the most of my time here. I'm not taking advantage of all the opportunities God is giving me to grow His Kingdom. What exactly will I have accomplished for Christ's sake after I've spent 8 semesters in the music department?

Grrrrr. I really am just rambling. Sorry.

I've also been watching lots of episodes of Full House.

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Merrily Rolling Along

Or something like that.

I know I don't write a lot, and I think part of it is because I don't think I have much to say, but also that I don't have a lot of time. And I should probably doing one of two things right now that isn't this: sleeping, or reading and praying over Scripture. Both things I will do once I finish writing.

Dude life is crazy. Awesome, in fact, but also crazy. If I could explain it to you, I would. I'll try.

This past weekend I went to SEBTS (Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary) in Wake Forest for 20/20 Conference where the theme was Gospel and Mission and I had my mind blown a few times. It was pretty cool. One of my favorite little sessions, though, was one called "The Arts and the Mission of God." Dude. I can't even being to explain it. I'll probably dedicate an entire separate post to it because it seriously rocked my world.

It was good. Also, I'm realizing the beauty and depth and authenticity of God's love lately. Not that I've ever not known about it or that it was there and real, but just that I'm starting to see it and grasp it more. I have 2 friends, both very close to me, who are struggling with realizing God's love and understanding its vastness and the fact that it has no conditions. Part of that was going to this conference, but I was thinking about it before that as well. God's been completely amazing lately. I mean, He always is, but He's been working in such a way that I've been able to see it so plainly and connect all (well, from my point of view) the dots. I go from one thing to another, learning and experiencing all kinds of things, and then from Kairos to 6:33 to Bible study to 20/20 conference to Skype conversations to lunch dates, I learn something from one aspect that applies to another, or I encounter a situation where I don't fully grasp it or understand how to respond or react, and then another area has the answer. It's been so plain.

Don't get me wrong, though. I've seen God work in my life, well, my whole life. Looking back, that is. I obviously don't remember being an infant. It gives me so much hope. Like, how could I ever doubt God again? Is He not always faithful? Is He not always with us? Does He not always love us regardless of the FACT that we do NOT deserve it? Because when I look back, I remember times when I was angry with God and felt terrible and wanted to end my life and hated everything based on what now seem like trivial circumstances. I remember these times, and I remember that God delivered me. Even though I was not always faithful. I'm still not. I will always strive to be, but I won't measure up. I am so thankful for grace. I cannot say that enough, truly. I look back on my life and see what God was doing and why, and am beginning to understand why it was necessary. Now all I want to do is to bring Him glory no matter what I'm doing, even if it hurts and things don't go my way or life gets uncomfortable.

Take into account: I say all this, and yet I have not been persecuted for the sake of Christ. I have not been put into a situation where my faith was the only thing I had. That scares me. How real is my faith, then? I'm not necessarily suggesting that I need to set myself up to be in danger or to get hurt or to be let down or scared or in trouble or to be persecuted. But then again, I kind of am.

I've got a lot to think about, y'all. I wanna do something that grows God's Kingdom. Lately I've been entertaining the idea of going to a country that hasn't heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't know how, and I don't know what the heck I would do, but that's the ultimate goal: to win people's souls for Christ, including our own; living as Christ did.

Didn't mean to unload all that, but that's what happens sometimes.

In other news, I have made significant progress in my fitness routine and progressively more healthy lifestyle. Woop woop! I did stay up too late last night, though. Then had lots of coffee today. Then worked out and felt awful. Then saw Les Miserables for the 3rd time. Holler at free popcorn Mondays at the Lyric.

My prayer for you is Ephesians 3:17-19, "that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height - to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

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First Week of the Semester

Sorry I've been so absent lately, friends. But the first week of the semester is officially over, and schedules are set and things are full speed ahead!

I'm loving my classes so far (History & Analysis of Music, Proofs, piano, ear training, accompanying, online geology, online travel and tourism management) but I haven't had my lab yet. I have a feeling that's going to be the deal-breaker of the semester. But no complaints here!

Ahhh guys life is so good! I cannot explain to you God's faithfulness and awesomeness. I wish you could understand, but I do pray that you will be able to experience it also. I know that's vague and random but dude it's so true! No matter what happens in my life, whether it has to do with classes, friends, BCM, hanging out, studying, reading, piano, life in general, God is always good and I can glorify Him in everything! How cool is that?

Gosh I really wish I were more eloquent so I could portray to you the greatness of our God, but to put it simply, no words can contain Him. His love and mercy and power and wonder speak for itself. And it is so good.

Peace&Love, y'all.

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"Do not grow weary in doing good."
2 Thessalonians 3:13