Take Time

This old-time hymn kind of punched me in the face tonight. Really soak in the words. Enjoy. 

Take time to be holy, speak oft with thy Lord;

Abide in Him always, and feed on His Word. 

Make friends of God's children, help those who are weak, 

Forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek.

Take time to be holy, the world rushes on;

Spend much time in secret, with Jesus alone.

By looking to Jesus, like Him thou shalt be;

Thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see.

Take time to be holy, let Him be thy Guide;

And run not before Him, whatever betide.

In joy or in sorrow, still follow the Lord,

And, looking to Jesus, still trust in His Word. 

Take time to be holy, be calm in thy soul,

Each thought and each motive beneath His control.

Thus led by His Spirit to fountains of love,

Thou soon shalt be fitted for service above. 

Grace and peace be with you, my friends. I love you, and Jesus loves you. 

Amen.

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Grace.

This week has been eventful. Mostly in the sense that I never have free time, really, except when I shut down from doing work and stop thinking about it, only to realize that I have SO MUCH to do. Oh well. That's beside the point.

On Monday: I got to tutor. I'm learning a lot about teaching. It's kind of scaring me. And exciting me.

On Tuesday: It rained a lot. All of my belongings were wet. I debated on whether or not to skip a class that required I walk out in the rain again half way across campus. I went. For the attendance points. 6:33 was that night. We finished Jonah 4. It was really good. My friend, Donna, and I also spent the before-time pushing FTLT application into the hands of every freshman/transfer we found and also got several turned in! I'm really excited for this year's new students at the BCM.

On Wednesday: I met with my singer for the semester and sightread one of her pieces. It gave me a false sense of security that her music was all going to be easy, and then I tried to practice the rest of it and said so long to that expectation. It's all good though. I'm hoping to get to use this as a cool ministry opportunity.

On Thursday: I didn't have a piano lesson. My teacher went out of town. This actually worked in my favor. I did a little homework at el BCM and then hung out with some of the coolest people ever instead of homework. And then got to talk on the phone with another super cool friend. It was nice. And B-stud was this night and my friend, Jodi, came with me. That was incredibly encouraging.

Today: I was really sleepy. I nodded off in all of my classes. But it was okay. Then I went to the Ladies' Group at BCM. There were 6 of us, and it was really awesome. I was very encouraged by today.

But this week has been weird. And that's okay.

I'm praying for grace and knowledge for myself. I'm praying for wisdom to be able to speak to other people, extending grace to them. Growing in grace is difficult, and painful. It's awkward and uncomfortable. And it's exhausting. And it's what Jesus called us to do by living it out in His life. We studied John 4 last night, and it was about the woman at the well. I was challenged to "find my Samaria" and go to it; live in it and show grace to people there - tell them about Jesus and my life's testament that He is good and gracious and loving and THE SAVIOR of my soul.

I'm growing in joy. It's beautiful.

Today I got Fig Newtons in the mail. That officially made today the best day of the week. I don't deserve the great friends I have. But that's the beauty of God's grace.

"The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."

Jesus is the man. I'm yearning to be with Him forever. But for now, I pray for rest in my Savior, and grace enough to give everyone, only through God's strength.

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Joy and Happiness and Sadness

I had a really awesome/really rough day yesterday.

I know sounds weird, right? Well I'm weird so it's fine.

Yesterday morning I was super pumped because it was going to be an awesome day. I have 2 music classes and my math tutoring class and I knew that as soon as I was done with my last class that I would get to see one of my greatest, bestest, dearest, most extraordinary friends in the entire world. For the first time in a month.

I already sound pathetic, but I suppose I will continue anyway.

So it happened. It was a beautiful reunion. I hadn't been so happy since school started, and far beyond that.

*Disclaimer - I am not a depressed person, I just tend to be quite content and generally excited about life. "Happy" is a strange word and a strange feeling that only happens on rare occasions.

But yesterday it happened. And I ate frozen yogurt with my best friend. And I talked about life with my best friend. And I shared the joy of Jesus with my best friend. And I got to listen to my best friend.

And so we caught up - briefly. And then it was BIG WEEKEND at the BCM. And I had been looking forward to that for quite a few weeks now. It's just a big ball of crazy awesome Jesus-worshipping and people-loving and it's beautiful. Our speaker was so real and I was captivated by the Gospel yet again.

But you see, last night - around 9:00 - I let my emotions get the best of me. Not so much that I sinned or anything other than my giant amounts of selfishness, but that I was very very sad. A sadness I hadn't felt, probably since the 8th grade. And even then that was just puberty. But this was real life.

I had to say goodbye.

I'm not very good at goodbye's. I'm really good at "see-ya-later"s, because then I can go about acting like things will be normal again and not have to deal with emotions at all (the way I prefer it).

I'm more sad than ever because before, I was more happy than ever. And then it was over.

This is something completely beyond my understanding. I didn't want to be upset, naturally, but then again I knew I was actually facing something for once in my life. It was a goodbye. I mean sure, it's PROBABLY a see-ya-later but come on now, indefinite goodbyes are the worst. I don't think I've cried so much in one day in my life. And it was only like the last 3 hours of it. Ha!

The Holy Spirit has been doing some crazy awesome things in my this semester so far. And in general - like summer leading up to now. I think last night, when I was unbearably sad about saying goodbye, I realized that the reason this one hit me so hard is because of 2 things: 1. I had huge expectations for some awesomesauce quality time and therefore was EXTREMELY happy upon my friend's arrival, and 2. When she told me she had to leave, I actually realized that it wasn't the same - that it wouldn't be the same. She's not in college any more, and I took that for granted last semester. I was saying goodbye to my accountability partner, my sarcastic other half, my mentor, my spiritual role model, and a friend with whom I have shared so much life and grown so much with, only to have to depart again.

I'm basically not sure what to do with my emotions.

But there is joy in Jesus. I'm content with my sadness. THAT'S SO WEIRD, RIGHT?!?
But that is the Gospel of Christ. In Him, I find strength, joy, and peace. Such that far surpasses all earthly understanding. Hence the weirdness.

I'm learning not to forsake my emotions, for they can be useful. But I'm also learning the dangers of being emotionally dependent on people. Because that can tear a person apart. I'm just thankful that I have Jesus walking alongside me, God ruling over me, and the Holy Spirit living inside of me, otherwise I wouldn't know where to turn. But there's a God who is ALWAYS sovereign, ALWAYS loving, ALWAYS good, and ALWAYS looking out for what's best for you to be advancing His Kingdom.

So, happy or sad, I will always rejoice in the Lord. I miss my best friend, but I've got a Savior who never leaves. (:

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But I think I'm just tired.

There's a lot going on in my brain right now. And in my heart. And with my spirit. Granted, I think a lot of the overwhelmed-ness I'm feeling right now is due to the fact that I desperately need a nap and to get 8+ hours of sleep one of these nights (PRAYING TONIGHT, YEAH!).

I've been trying to be intentional about the way I act. And about what I say - to curb my sarcasm and make sure everything I say is either useful, helpful, thoughtful, encouraging, kind, and/or necessary. I told this to my piano teacher today because I wanted to get some advice/prayer support. I told her I was trying not to be as sarcastic because I'm realizing the effect of my words and actions, especially when it comes to interacting with my friends who don't have a deep relationship with Jesus.

And you know, I really wasn't satisfied with her answer. Although she did talk about useful things I enjoyed what she said but when it came to answering my "question" I have to say I'm still restless about it. She kind of told me "it's okay that you're a little sarcastic, you just have to make sure it isn't at anybody's expense" which I agree with. However, I guess what I'm more focused on is the condition of my heart which I had a really hard time conveying to her so I don't think she actually understood what I meant.

I want to get to a place where I'm both bold about Jesus, and so humbled and in the background that people don't even see me, but Jesus shining through me. It's a rough place to get. I also realize that I can only get there by actively pursuing my relationship with God - quiet times are a struggle. I'm over-committed. But I'm also not sacrificing my life to God yet, so that's been interesting too. I say that I am, but there are still shreds that I'm holding on to. I don't know what, specifically, but I can feel that I am.

I do have a peace that passes all understanding and I love it because I can have joy and be content even while being upset or sad or happy or excited or worried (which actually goes away after accepting the peace). BAHHH!

So much is happening in my brain.

All right. Jesus is the Man. God is good. All the time. I love Him. And you.

Peace out.

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