Sunday, February 26, 2012

Like, Lent and stuff.

So, Ash Wednesday was 4 days ago, signaling the beginning of Lent - the remembrance of Jesus's 40-day fast from food and water in the desert, all leading up to His death and resurrection.

So we, as good little Christian boys and girls, give something up from now until Easter.

But for Heaven's sake it's about so much more than that! Sure, I "gave up caffeine for Lent" but I was trying to do that anyway because it's REALLY bad for me and I don't need to be dependent on it ya know?

I feel like I don't have much to say that's truly profound, but my current view of Lent is this: I'm in this for the long haul; I want to make a heart change, strengthen my relationship with God, and grow in the Word. Yup. Pretty standard things. But pretty necessary things.

Friday I did something radical. Not sure if it changed my heart though. But I did it; I said the words because I had to obey God. I just had to. I feel Him at work. I do. He is big and powerful. Satan's powerful too. He's not as powerful as God, but he is just as present and working in our lives. He puts up stumbling blocks, and to be honest, I fall for them a lot of the time. It sucks, basically. What's awesome though is that I have a God who holds me up even in the deepest valleys; in the midst of the most trying of times.

Saturday I went somewhere I normally wouldn't have gone. Not sure if I shared Jesus enough, but I went and I tried and I did not give into temptation.

God is good.

More than our stuff. Worth the sacrifice.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sustained

Today I found out what it feels like to attend a funeral of a young man who died far younger than average or necessary. Thing is, we were friends. Another thing is, some of his best friends are my best friends. I can safely say, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I never want to experience this again.

The stuff that normally makes normal people sad, I just sit politely solemn and comfort those around me. I don't expect to shed a tear. But this morning, at approximately 11:00 tears were pouring from my eyes. Both of them. They ran down my face (thank God I decided not wear make-up today). They got in the crevice between my cheek and my nose. They dripped from my chin. They ran down my neck. At one point, they even spilled into my shirt. The sleeve of my jacket is really gross right now - lots of snot. My face hurt. My face still hurts. My eyes are swollen. My eyes are red. My eyes are tired. My head hurts. My body aches. My heart is broken.

I don't think it's important that I explain the merit of this young man - he had a lot of merit. We'd been in all the same classes since middle school. I wasn't as smart as he was. I tried, but he was dedicated.

But he took his own life. His body dwells in the ground. His soul rests in God's hands. And because of that, I could never help but wonder: will Jesus intercede for him? He and I never had a conversation about faith. Ever. What if he never gave his life to God? And what could have happened if I had been the one to share the good news that IS Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, with him? Would this have even happened? Would he be with God now? At least I could find peace and comfort in the fact that he was with his heavenly Father. But I don't know. It kills me inside. I have failed as a Christian.

Some have said "Learn a lesson from this." I intend to.

Because of this - with the addition of school - this week has sufficiently sucked. I would only get emotional when I had to talk about, but I had to do it at least 5 times to tell my teachers that I would missing classes on Friday (today). I missed: Music Theory, Sight-singing quiz (which actually got canceled, praise God!), Calculus test review, Piano lesson, English paper workshop, and Calculus test. I also missed Bible study last night. But I needed to come home. I'm glad I did. I needed to. Yeah. I needed to come home.

I saw two of my very best friends. It was under terrible circumstances. Terrible. But I needed it. We all needed it. We cried together. We hugged. We talked. We comforted each other. Then we laughed together. I didn't think that was possible. But there's no use in being depressed. Though I feel that I will be for quite some time. All I know, is that I have never been more grateful for my friends than I was today. They help sustain me. We hold each other up. We pray for one another. We fellowship. I am thankful for their steadfast relationships with Christ. I am thankful for mine. If I didn't know God, I would be lost right now.

My good friend Tyler spoke today. He has been a believer in God for 2 years. It was his roommate that died. I am proud of him. Today, more than ever. For remaining strong in his faith. He greatly encouraged me. He stood up in front of a room of hundreds of people in mourning - including the boy's family, friends, his own girlfriend - and he read us a letter; a letter he wrote to his roommate after he passed. It was funny. It was good. It talked about math and chemistry. It was sweet. Afterwards, he told all of us, that while he should be sleeping and moping around in his dorm room and being all depressed, and that he had every right to be, he wasn't. He hadn't slept all week, basically. He was drained, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But it's what he said next that got me - "There is nothing left in me. Nothing. It is only my relationship with God that is sustaining me and giving me the strength to speak to you all."

Wow. I had living proof of God's strength. I knew that Tyler had nothing left. But I also know that God is bigger, and He is mightier. He will sustain us.

There is still joy in the Lord, but now the joy is coming through the suffering. I praise God for what He's done. But right now I'm truly sad. Life is truly fleeting. It is not for man to know the time for seasons which the Father has put in His own authority (Acts 1:7). I know that I will have strength this weekend and coming week only by the grace of God. I am nothing without Him. Today - this week - was a painful way to be reminded of that.

I hope anyone will be encouraged by this, in that they take nothing for granted; share the Gospel wherever you go for you never know when someone will need it. Be joyful always. Cherish your friends and family. Above all things, rely on God for sustenance.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28


I thank God for you. I praise Him for your life. 


And Troy, I pray that God have mercy on your soul and that you rest in peace with the Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen

Sunday, February 12, 2012

One hell of a weekend...

I can't quite decide if I mean that literally, or not.

It's not that this weekend has been awful in and of itself.

But my uncle died. Don't worry, we weren't close. But it's sad. My family is sad.

A woman named Melissa died a few days ago from esophageal and stomach cancer. She used to work at the BCM here and touched a lot of the lives of the people who are touching my life. I'll meet Melissa one day, when I get to heaven too.

My friend, Troy, died this afternoon. He went to William & Mary. We graduated together. He was top of the class - smartest person I knew. Kind. Funny. I don't know whether or not he was a believer in Christ. I don't actually think he was. And now, now that there's nothing left to do about it, I blame myself for not showing that love to him and sharing the Gospel with him. Would it have made a difference?

There are many a heavy heart tonight, all around Virginia and the country for Troy's soul; for Melissa's soul; for my uncle's soul.

My best friend is really upset. What are we supposed to say to each other? I think sometimes it's okay to just cry, and sit on the phone in silence. It's hard being 11 hours apart. It's harder when things like this happen.

I choose to maintain joy in the Lord. I am sad, and mourning. I'm confused and tattered and torn. But God is bigger than all of that. It's going to be a rough week. I should finish writing my paper. But alas, I cannot focus.

I am currently listening to NEEDTOBREATHE's album, The Reckoning, and I like it.

Twitter is sending me updates to my phone quite slowly. But I don't care.

I think this is hell and satan's way of trying to get at me. At us. I won't let him. I won't let it. God is bigger. God is greater.

To look at the upsides of the weekend: I spent it with new friends whom I have come to truly love and adore as women in Christ. I got to turn pages for one of my piano heroes at a concert on Friday night (and she paid me in chocolate). I got to have dinner with an old teacher, now good friend. I got to see a close friend whom I left behind when I came to college. She and another great friend (whom I may possibly be rooming with next year) both made All-State choir! I'll get 3 punches on my convo card this week for the concerts I attended.

God is good. He always was. He always is. He still is.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

There's Something

I feel like there's something I need to convey to the general public. I just can't decide what that is.
I should probably start by just telling it like it is:

I've got a lot on my heart, and a lot on my mind.
The Music Department at Virginia Tech is one of them - they need spiritual revival and healing. I need healing, but I want to help bring it to the Music Dept.
Tonight I learned a lot about prayer and fasting. Fasting is really helpful. But the implications are specific.
Prayer is a powerful thing. Doing it for someone else means a lot to them. Not just telling them you'll pray for them, but praying WITH them. Being sincere. Pouring out your heart to God with them in mind. It can change lives, yo.
I want to leave a legacy.
I want the power of prayer to reach Melissa Cheliras. She means a lot to people at BCM. I never knew her. She left a legacy. She has an untreatable cancer. It sucks. I know that God will be glorified, though, no matter what happens.
I desperately desire for God to do a work in my heart. I need to practice forgiveness. I need forgiveness. I need my heart to be softened and stop being so dang stubborn!
I want the body of believers to go out and reach those who yet understand God's grace and mercy and how He is the ONLY way to live forever - the only way to heaven.
I have really awesome friends. Sometimes I take them for granted. Especially the ones who strengthen me in my faith.
I have friends who don't know the love of Christ. I want them to understand. But I don't want my faith to waiver in the midst of that. I know that God has the power to give me the strength to do what I can't do on my own. Which is everything.

I think I might be getting sick again. It's rather unfortunate in my opinion, but it's most likely my fault.
I get to turn pages tomorrow for one of my piano heroes! One of the reasons I pray that I'm not getting sick...at least until after tomorrow night. But who knows; God works in mysterious ways for sure.

I've neglected some homework for tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. I still have 30 minutes to do it though. I really don't want to be sick.
But I want to bring God glory.
The idea is for people to know we are Christians by our love; the idea is for people to see us as children of God, as happy, joyful people, even when we feel the worst. Let the love of God shine through us even on the worst of days and of hours. God is awesome. All-powerful. Incredible. Love. Everything good. Always good. Forever.

I love God. But my relationship with my biological father makes it hard to connect with God sometimes. I'm trying to work past that. I wouldn't mind prayer in that. I need to forgive my dad and become one with Christ.

I'm trying.

I'm tired.

God is sustenance. For eternity.

Peace Come Over You